I'm tired but my mind keeps turning. Adam stood me up tonight. Flat out stood me up and not only that, but as I called him to find out where he was, he hung up the phone on me so that I would no longer interrupt his conversation with his friend. He has been so good lately and I have been relatively satisfied with him but tonight was such shit.
Here is something I have determined. I don't want to live with anyone. I like being a single mom. Just me and the kids. I really love it. The days with just me and my kids and the house and the cats are some of the best. I really think this is happiness for me. Why do I feel this instictive need to be with someone? The latest epiphany of mine is that I was far more miserable in all of the relationships I have been in than I am now. I actually feel hope for life right now. I am scared, terrified really, about finances, and I am searching diligently for a job, but other than that I enjoy my life alone.
As I write this, I also accept that I have been feeling a painful melancholy the last few weeks. It has no purpose and no true foundation. I think it's the cold to be honest. I am tired of being cold. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I miss warmth.
But I have been dressing up. Taking care of myself. I feel mostly as ease-other than an unappetizing sexual frustration. I think about that too. I suppose I find sex important and even feel an insatiable hunger for it, but why? I can shut this out, I think.
My ideal life would be to date men, have sex whenever I want to with them and have them take me out every now and then and then come home and relish the solitude and the love and beauty of my children.
When Adam left tonight I felt such relief. Such liberation.
What is it that I am going to do with my life? I have no clear idea what the future holds for me anymore.
Here is something I have determined. I don't want to live with anyone. I like being a single mom. Just me and the kids. I really love it. The days with just me and my kids and the house and the cats are some of the best. I really think this is happiness for me. Why do I feel this instictive need to be with someone? The latest epiphany of mine is that I was far more miserable in all of the relationships I have been in than I am now. I actually feel hope for life right now. I am scared, terrified really, about finances, and I am searching diligently for a job, but other than that I enjoy my life alone.
As I write this, I also accept that I have been feeling a painful melancholy the last few weeks. It has no purpose and no true foundation. I think it's the cold to be honest. I am tired of being cold. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I miss warmth.
But I have been dressing up. Taking care of myself. I feel mostly as ease-other than an unappetizing sexual frustration. I think about that too. I suppose I find sex important and even feel an insatiable hunger for it, but why? I can shut this out, I think.
My ideal life would be to date men, have sex whenever I want to with them and have them take me out every now and then and then come home and relish the solitude and the love and beauty of my children.
When Adam left tonight I felt such relief. Such liberation.
What is it that I am going to do with my life? I have no clear idea what the future holds for me anymore.
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