Jail

He sent me to jail.  For four days.  It was horror.  If I hadn't of had the small military experience that I have, I am not sure how I would have coped.  But, just as in that movie, Being Flynn, I reminded myself that life is about gathering material.  I was handcuffed, shackled, strip searched and in perpetual lockdown.  I spent so many hours brimming inside my head that I felt I might go insane.  In extreme moments I quoted and requoted Hamlet, Edna Wheeler Cox and Kurt's phone number.  I thought of Mary from my story, albiet not as much as I should of.  I reread Jude the Obscure and many mundane articles from Reader's Digest.  I wrote my terrible thoughts down with a golf pencil and decided that I was far too much in love with my children and far too afraid of violence to kill myself.  I wore socks no thicker than toilet paper and had to use a community toilet that pointed directly towards the face of my celly on the bottom bunk.  I suffered terrible, anxious diarrea and nausea.  I froze in what was supposed to be a sheet and a blanket but what was really just another sheet with texture.  I was eaten alive by bed bugs.  But the worst, I didn't know where my children were. 
I am scared.  I do not want to go back but I may have to.  If that is the case, I thought that maybe I should just rid the world of myself but I do not think I have the guts to do it.  And anyway, in jail there are people with worse lives than me.  That is some reconciliation. 
Kurt bailed me out, took care of my children and now we are moving in with him.  That scares me too.  But not as much as jail. 

Post Suicide

I didn't finish my last blog. It was time to go.  But, there was more to that story.  And my weekend didn't get any better.  I had some pretty tough breakdowns.  I just have no desire to live.  I do not have the energy to go through this all over again.  It doesn't surprise me that Adam is doing this...but my poor son.  What is this doing to him.  How much more fucked up is he going to be and Adam can think about is himself and how he wants his baby.  I do wish I had been smart and gotten an abortion.  Having this child with Adam is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and my family.  And Max is no better off.  He will end up like his dad if I can't get him back...his dad is nothing short than a waste of space.  He is evil and I hate him.    And i miss my son.  I just don't want to go on.  I have no will.