It's been difficult to write...really to even think the last few weeks.  My brother passed away from cancer on October 11.  It's been the hardest time of my life, worse than Jason's death, worse than Buffy's.  So, I can 't write much and try to just cope with each day.
What bothers me the most about Chris's death is what he suffered through just before he passed away.  He had continuous panic attacks and his every moment was consumed with just staying alive.  My mother said that Julie went in the room to wake him up and that Julie screamed and screamed "wake up, Chris" and that Chris tried so hard to open his eyes and he kicked his feet to wake himself up but he just couldn't do it.  And it's hard to write this.  Hard to think about what he went through.  Hard to know that my brother is no longer here....maybe not anywhere. 
I have the hardest time when I am in the car and left to my own thoughts.  And my mother calls me and I can't answer, not yet, because it's so difficult.  She just cries and cries and cries and I can't tell her it's going to be okay because it's not ever going to be.  Not ever again. 
My sister calls and it's the same.  And then there's my dad who had a literal falling apart.  Destroyed his apartment and threatened to kill himself so my sister called the police on him and he went to jail.  Two days after Chris's funeral.  We all have a broken heart.  Every single one of us.  But Chris was my older brother, my only full brother and I miss him more than I know how to express.  I miss him SO MUCH.  Just knowing that he isn't at home or work and that he is nowhere at all actually.  And that he suffered tremendously.  I saw him three days before he died and he was out of his mind...even talking about Jason.  The last thing time Chris acknowledged me was that day.  Julie asked him if he knew I was there and he said, she's right here with me.  And that was it.  Never again.  And I never really said goodbye to him like everyone else did.  I lived closer than anyone and never said goodbye. I just thought he was always going to be okay or beat it somehow. 

I am so angry.  SO ANGRY.  I went out with Beth last night and Kurt was under the impression that I had slept with someone so he checked my phone, took all my money and hid my writ of assistance from me.  The writ of assistance is my court document for me to go and get Max.  I am stilling steaming mad about him doing that and all for fucking nothing.  I really don't want to live with him, really wish my whole life were different.  I didn't get any help from the cops this morning in getting Max.  Adam almost started a fight with them and it scared them so they backed off and now we need the judge's approval for the cops to go in and get Max and I am fairly certain I will never get that.  It might be another month or two before I see my son again.  And a clerk there told me that I desperately need a lawyer and I can't afford one and I don't have anyone who cares enough about me or Max to help me with one. 

And I HATE living with Kurt.  With all my heart and soul.  I am deflated.  Hopeless.  Nothing works.  I hate my life with this man who is fucking ridiculous and controlling. 

I did something really bad last night, really, really bad.  I was drunk and desperate to escape.  Wish I could go back and change everything.