Broken in Body and Mind

And no, that does not refer to me.  It refers to Adam sitting in the chair on the porch last night, asleep (more like extremely high) and hanging like a broken branch.  He was incoherent, he was cruel and good lord, he can put it away.  Before, when he was just a regular drug addict, he would never eat.  He was walking skin and bones.  Now, he is plump.  I like it.  But it is nevertheless shocking.  To make everything worse, I put it down pretty well last night too.  I can't stop eating when it's angel hair pasta and I ate it with a shovel so my stomach hurt all night (the proverbial American life!)  Well, I couldn't sleep and he was out on the porch for hours, hanging, like a corpse.  I don't know how his body handles it.  I laid my head on his chest and listened to his heart beat and it was too hard and too fast.  It scares me. 
I went to Brooke's because Adam stomped away mad (after being on the phone with his exgirlfriend for ten minutes and I was upset) and she said something that was all too true and clear.  We were sitting on her porch and she had apparently seen him walking frantically down the sidewalk with that stupid phone in his hand.  Well, she looked over at me and said, "Amy, I want to call the police on him."  I said, "He has warrants out for his arrest and he WILL go to jail."  After I said it I thought about how nice, really, that would be.  How when he is in jail, I am mostly happy and do great things with my life.  When he is around, I suffer.  I always suffer.  He cheats.  He lies.  He uses.  He is cruel. 
Yet, I still love him.  I guess that makes me co-dependant.  As broken as he is. 
Nonetheless, I have my vices.  My own coping methods. 
I know that I will forgive him again and take him back and that I will be miserable for the whole of my life because of that decision.  It's as though...dear god...I am a fucking trainwreck.  The tracks aren't quite aligned for me.  They never have been.   

Working and Writing

I am sitting here at work and to make the day go by faster, I am writing to "said person" dirty little notes.  How pathetic.  Because in truth, in physicality, I am not so alluring anymore.  I am getting too old.  And while, in most ways I am a better lover than I ever have been, I am also not as attractive anymore. 
I am doing these things because (gasp) I picked up Adam's phone and saw him texting the two main girls he is utterly unable to do without.  In response, I have done a few stupid and bad things.  Honest to God, when I saw the messages earlier I thought to myself, I don't care.  Whatever.  And then I get here and do stupid asinine things.  Like write Deric.  It will always be this way as long as I am with Adam.  I know that.  I also know that another man loves me very much and would make me very happy.  I am stupid.  Like my sister says, "of course you'll make the wrong decision."  Oh that and I'm a has-been.  With withering self esteem and social value. 
Depression is a time consuming ordeal that leads to nowhere.  But it can be productive.  On the one hand, I understand that now if I do not make anything further of my life, I am as good as dead and buried.  But again, what do I have to give?  I have great soap opera stories and disturbing drama. 
As this day drags on, I get more and more upset.  And stupid.  No better combination in the world. 

My Laughing Sons

Adam is playing with the two boys. They are loving it, getting tired and being happy which in turn makes me happy. But I am tired and have had a long day with body aches and stuffiness. I think it's Nyquil time. So tired.

It's been too long since I have posted.  And anyway, I have decided that maybe having an online journal where my soul is poured out for general public is a little egotistical.  While my life is nothing short of a lurid soap opera, who really wants to know?  According to the blog statistics, I don't get many hits these days...and maybe never really have so...
Well things have changed, as they always do.  I have had more than enough boyfriends and more than enough insipid dates.  I have had more than enough visits from CPS.  Oh yes, child protective services.  Someone continues to call them and allegate the stupidest, far fetched things.  Like I am snorting Oxy's with my daughter.  And I can't wait to get rid of my children...it goes on and on.  26 this last time.  I laughed (but actually cried) when the social worker was laying it out in front of me.  Who wants to cause me pain?  Who wants me to lose my children?  Who is the person who would put my children through another questionarre?  And these cases...keep getting dismissed with no supporting evidence and yet, they tell me they have to invastigate the allegations.  It's the law.  The law.  I am exhuasted with it. 
But, in truth, I have been seeing Adam every day now since he has been out of jail.  I enjoy my time with him. I am comfortable with him and while I don't feel that overpowering weakness that brought me to my knees before, I just like being around him.  I don't trust him and would be crushed if he were seeing other girls...which I am fairly certain he is.  But is so many ways I don't care.  I just can't. 
I was also evicted from my home last month.  Financial ruin.  No child support.  No money.  But I am glad we are moving.  It feels like a fresh start.  I don't mind starting over though I wish I were starting over and reversing the last three years. 
All this and I am absolutely brimming with discontent. 

Protective Services

They came to my house today to ask how long I have had the baby.  I have to prove to them that I have had full custody of Max since he was born.  I never thought I would have had to prove something as clear as that.  But Adam, no low is too low, and he lied to the court that he has had full custody of the baby since he was born.  I am terrified of all of this and want it to end.  I would like to be able to move on with my life and somehow gain my footing again.  Maybe not again....that is a misnomer if there ever was one.

But one thing is for certain.  I no longer have any feelings for Adam.  I have no desire to see him.  That part of me is dead.  Something has worked for me.  That the mystery attraction has been swiped clear and clean.  I almost hate him, but not really.  I really hate his mother more.  All because she acted so benign and sweet and all along had no hesitation to walk into the courtroom and scream at me and try to tell the judge that I do not love or care for my child.  Yes, I hate Glenna.  Adam, nothing.  Not even a trace of my former self.  I am only angry at myself for letting him back in to reap the havoc he did. 

He has made me into a monstrous, bi polar, crazy leper to the law.  They all talk to me like I am talking at them straight from my ass.  Adam, the lovely charmer, has won the law!  And yet, he is out of his mind and lies like Satan.  But they love him.  They want to believe him and maybe it is my sardonic demeanor or just that I have black hair that they really have done an out of this world job to demean me into a punching, lying criminal.  I supposedly punched Adam in the face while I was holding the baby.  And they beleived every word.  They even laughed and joked around with him in the driveway while I was sobbing in the house with my head in my hands. 

No.  No more.  I am starting to cry again.  I cannot go there. 

Actually, maybe Adam really is Satan.  It is somehow very logical and likely. 

I am tired after this.  Even this much writing.  At least I am not crying for the moment. 

It Got Worse?

And to think....I was seriously upset and downsodden in those last posts?  It has gotten so much wose than all of that.  To re read it (something I swore not to do, and now I know why) is devastating.  Six weeks ago he ran down the sidewalk with the baby and I have seen Max only twice since then.  We are battling in court....terrible things are being said....Glenna and I can barely tolerate each other...Adam is a ruthless, violent lair and I saw all of this long ago.  I was utterly blinded for whatever reason and am not wholly unattached from that, even now.  I was supposed to see Max this weekend and they denied me.  They are lowe class and it is clear as sunlight now. 

I have to get things done.  The kids start school tomorrow.  I have spent so much money on haircuts, school supplies, clothes....but I miss my son so very bad.  I miss him and my heart hurts like mad. 

I will try and get everything together.  I am working hard to get things together for the kids and the home and all of it.  Just together.  Once that has been accomplished, things will improve. 

More Writing

The great thing about my life becoming obliterated is that I write more.  Once I find peace again, I will have nothing to say about anything other than fruity things such as: I felt a deep spiritual energy while trying to speak to Buffy the other night.  If I were reading something like that I would certainly move on and disregard the writer as a reject.  I really did feel Buffy's energy while the other night.  It was as though the room lightened and a sooth calming came over me.  My sister is living with me and I need help in helping her.  It can get stressful at times and I am worried about how her living here will expand my already starved budget.  She gets very annoyed and crazy with the kids but then offers a bright smile after realizing she lost her temper.  It makes me laugh.  She is never mean, just tempermental. 
I do feel a better calm today, however slight.  I talked to my mother yesterday as I knew she would be the one who could understand why I can't seem to leave Adam no matter what does.  She told me what she told me when everyone demanded I give Andellyn up for adoption, "Only you know how you feel and you can never live your life by anyones opinion but your own." 
Still I am taking things day by day and that seems to work every other day or so.