Protective Services

They came to my house today to ask how long I have had the baby.  I have to prove to them that I have had full custody of Max since he was born.  I never thought I would have had to prove something as clear as that.  But Adam, no low is too low, and he lied to the court that he has had full custody of the baby since he was born.  I am terrified of all of this and want it to end.  I would like to be able to move on with my life and somehow gain my footing again.  Maybe not again....that is a misnomer if there ever was one.

But one thing is for certain.  I no longer have any feelings for Adam.  I have no desire to see him.  That part of me is dead.  Something has worked for me.  That the mystery attraction has been swiped clear and clean.  I almost hate him, but not really.  I really hate his mother more.  All because she acted so benign and sweet and all along had no hesitation to walk into the courtroom and scream at me and try to tell the judge that I do not love or care for my child.  Yes, I hate Glenna.  Adam, nothing.  Not even a trace of my former self.  I am only angry at myself for letting him back in to reap the havoc he did. 

He has made me into a monstrous, bi polar, crazy leper to the law.  They all talk to me like I am talking at them straight from my ass.  Adam, the lovely charmer, has won the law!  And yet, he is out of his mind and lies like Satan.  But they love him.  They want to believe him and maybe it is my sardonic demeanor or just that I have black hair that they really have done an out of this world job to demean me into a punching, lying criminal.  I supposedly punched Adam in the face while I was holding the baby.  And they beleived every word.  They even laughed and joked around with him in the driveway while I was sobbing in the house with my head in my hands. 

No.  No more.  I am starting to cry again.  I cannot go there. 

Actually, maybe Adam really is Satan.  It is somehow very logical and likely. 

I am tired after this.  Even this much writing.  At least I am not crying for the moment. 

It Got Worse?

And to think....I was seriously upset and downsodden in those last posts?  It has gotten so much wose than all of that.  To re read it (something I swore not to do, and now I know why) is devastating.  Six weeks ago he ran down the sidewalk with the baby and I have seen Max only twice since then.  We are battling in court....terrible things are being said....Glenna and I can barely tolerate each other...Adam is a ruthless, violent lair and I saw all of this long ago.  I was utterly blinded for whatever reason and am not wholly unattached from that, even now.  I was supposed to see Max this weekend and they denied me.  They are lowe class and it is clear as sunlight now. 

I have to get things done.  The kids start school tomorrow.  I have spent so much money on haircuts, school supplies, clothes....but I miss my son so very bad.  I miss him and my heart hurts like mad. 

I will try and get everything together.  I am working hard to get things together for the kids and the home and all of it.  Just together.  Once that has been accomplished, things will improve. 

More Writing

The great thing about my life becoming obliterated is that I write more.  Once I find peace again, I will have nothing to say about anything other than fruity things such as: I felt a deep spiritual energy while trying to speak to Buffy the other night.  If I were reading something like that I would certainly move on and disregard the writer as a reject.  I really did feel Buffy's energy while the other night.  It was as though the room lightened and a sooth calming came over me.  My sister is living with me and I need help in helping her.  It can get stressful at times and I am worried about how her living here will expand my already starved budget.  She gets very annoyed and crazy with the kids but then offers a bright smile after realizing she lost her temper.  It makes me laugh.  She is never mean, just tempermental. 
I do feel a better calm today, however slight.  I talked to my mother yesterday as I knew she would be the one who could understand why I can't seem to leave Adam no matter what does.  She told me what she told me when everyone demanded I give Andellyn up for adoption, "Only you know how you feel and you can never live your life by anyones opinion but your own." 
Still I am taking things day by day and that seems to work every other day or so. 

The Weekend

What would you expect my blog to say about my weekend?  That it was phenomenal?  Oh yes, it was super.  I found out that Adam was two timing me the whole time(golly, who knew?  I mean could anyone have predicted that he might not be a faithful man?).  It was traumatic.  Then Holden was lost (the neighbors gratuitously took him to church and I had to call the police because I had no clue).  Max drank poison.  Lucky he was fine and no true symptoms of pain other than "ow,,ow..ow".  Pretty much maxed out the super shit lever on the grid.  More later. 

It Might Be Official

I think a nrevous breakdown is immenent.  I do not know how much longer I can keep up this (well it was) benign facade.  I just yelled at my sister and my father is feeding my family such horseshit that she said I sounded like drug addict.  Perhaps a more logical and correct "sound" is that I need, want desperately desire help.  My dad dumped my sister that I barely know here on my doorstep for me to save.  I cannot do this.  I can barely keep up with my own children and now I am supposed to save another that was destroyed by her gaurdian and who, by the way, was fed with a fucking silver spoon in her mouth, with additives and perservatives that I will never enjoy in my life.  She has traveled the world, gone to elect schools, wears expensive makeup and has encountered prestigious and famous people.  I have not lived at all compared to all that.  I have lived, eaten, bathed and fucked in rat hole where I will die.  I am supposed to take care of her and show how "the real world" I suppose but in reality I am breaking down into tiny bits.  Like a movie I saw when I was a little girl where a woman got into a car crash and her face and body fell into little tiny pieces all over the car floor.  That's me.  I have no one.  I know Adam doesnt love me.  I know no one will hold me straight when my back breaks.  And I have to take care of another as though I am Jesus the Christ himself.  I cried to my dad, told him I couldn't do it, that I am too private, that I need to take care of my children, that I am on parole, that it means one  of my kids won't have a bedroom, that I am an emotional fucking TRAINWRECK and yet she is dumped on my doorstep and smiles while she waves bye bye to daddy poo who left her here. 
I will not talk to my father when this is over.  She might be here for years.  I will attempt to lie in my bed and find solace in dreams and made up fantasies or maybe I will zone out on the drugs my sister thinks I am on and waste away while my sister eats my food and greases up my kitchen floor. 
I hope this ends soon.  If I ask her to leave I will be demonized, cruel and heartless.  I think that may be who I wish I were right now. 

Tonight was another of the same

I'm tired but my mind keeps turning.  Adam stood me up tonight.  Flat out stood me up and not only that, but as I called him to find out where he was, he hung up the phone on me so that I would no longer interrupt his conversation with his friend.  He has been so good lately and I have been relatively satisfied with him but tonight was such shit. 
Here is something I have determined.  I don't want to live with anyone.  I like being a single mom.  Just me and the kids.  I really love it.  The days with just me and my kids and the house and the cats are some of the best.  I really think this is happiness for me.  Why do I feel this instictive need to be with someone?  The latest epiphany of mine is that I was far more miserable in all of the relationships I have been in than I am now.  I actually feel hope for life right now.  I am scared, terrified really, about finances, and I am searching diligently for a job, but other than that I enjoy my life alone. 
As I write this, I also accept that I have been feeling a painful melancholy the last few weeks.  It has no purpose and no true foundation.  I think it's the cold to be honest.  I am tired of being cold.  I don't want to do anything or go anywhere.  I miss warmth. 
But I have been dressing up.  Taking care of myself.  I feel mostly as ease-other than an unappetizing sexual frustration.  I think about that too.  I suppose I find sex important and even feel an insatiable hunger for it, but why?  I can shut this out, I think. 
My ideal life would be to date men, have sex whenever I want to with them and have them take me out every now and then and then come home and relish the solitude and the love and beauty of my children. 
When Adam left tonight I felt such relief.  Such liberation. 
What is it that I am going to do with my life?  I have no clear idea what the future holds for me anymore. 

I feel amazing

I read such a book!  It has inspired me to think and think and not stop thinking.  It is through these kinds of books that validates my extensive desire to read all the literature I can before I die or lose my abilities to consume.  Just feel amazing. 
Otherwise my life is the same, only this much better.  Actually, I received a call last week that I am reluctant to talk about.  I feel utterly victimized over it-which is absurd, I know, because feeling victimized creates more victimization, doesn't it?  It also does not allow me to really act.  I had the flu for about two weeks.  It was debilitating, as illnesses often are with me.  I get them and they knock me out and I exist as a dead person until my body defeats the illnesses.  Everyone who knows me knows that I am famous for the worst sorts of cold sore breakouts.  They ravage my face if I don't catch them in time.  Well, I was sick sick sick and basically I allowed the children to take care of themselves.  They were in charge of showering and while I provided clean clothes at all times, I really could have cared less if they went to school with Halloween costumes on.  So, I get a call that Eric is "dirty" and that his needs are not being attended to.  WTF?  I was deeply ashamed and hurt.  I have no help when I am down.  It's me against the world.  Anyway, he never looked that bad but his nails looked as though he had been plundering graves with his bare hands.  It was shocking and humiliating.  I have since made sure he looked "presentable" but not without some anger.  I would rather keep sending him to school looking like a reject than satisfying some sinister, rectally- challenged person's complaints.   It really burns me up-but since I have to conform, I will.  But I would really like to take that person's face and run it into the ground for a few minutes. 
My house smells like apple roses because of this candle I bought.  I have no idea what an apple rose is, but somehow the candle manages to really smell like an apple and a rose and it's nice. 
Is it really 1:33?  Why am I always writing so late? 
I suppose I should try and sleep.  I am already digesting four melatonin-sleep aids.  Will they work?  Unlikely.  I am thinking of you tonight N-LAW.  You know who you are.  We could have had some adventures together, couldn't we?  I miss you. 

Let's try this again

My last post was deleted and that's probably a good thing.  I was going into a diatribe about depression, something that has been consistent and enormous throughout my life.  I feel pretty terrible and who gives a damn. 
I have begun a mission of withdrawal and I am very accomplished at that, just ask Si.  Accomplished like the most sophisticated ice queen known to man.  It takes a little disgust, a touch of life-bred hate and nonchalance.  Voila!  It works like a charm...
And what it works best at is just making me feel melancholy.  I wish I had the right person to live my life with.  That one person who gets it.  Maybe there was only one person who got it and they are chronically unavailable.  The biggest problem is feeling directionless and sullen.  I had a million dreams and I have never stopped believing in them but they feel a little piqued and idealistic right now.  I have to get a job for certain and graduate from the university, which I am doing in a matter of three months.  But what about the rest of it?  And I am so lonely these days. 
I was lonely before with Si, but this might actually be worse. 
I am uncomfortable writing here on the floor because the kids wrecked my laptop.  Really blows. 

Incredibly important post

This post will, I hope, insert some sense into my actions towards Adam.  Tonight I may very well be the most happy woman in the world.  I am floating.  It touches every nerve and every cell in my body.  I love him like I have never loved any man in the world.  I do not think many people experience this kind of love and while the hell is deep and critical, so is the ecstasy.  It is no different from a drug and it is this feeling that makes me unable to ever leave him.  I feel I know his very soul and that in it lies a part of me.  I know how bad the bad gets but this is how high the high gets.
I know not many people ever feel this.  I know that to others the bads are not worth it but that is because they may have never experienced such beauty from another person. 
I do not hold an existential testimony that there is an afterlife or ghosts or any of that bullshit but when I am consumed with this feeling from Adam I do pray.  I ask what it is I need to do to keep him and live the rest of my life with him.  It may be desperation that drives me because I don't know how to stop the fights and the jealousy and the other discontents but I do so want to.  I have never been one who can be quiet and take anger and grief in solitude.  My voice always comes out and what a travesty.  Shouldn't I just be a submissive and adorable woman?  It won't happen. 
I love him.  I love him and want nothing else for my future.  Not ever. 

Still awake

And I can't stop thinking.  I am not sure it is healthy thinking, however, but it keeps me awake.  Also, I neglected to mention that I am very sick and have been for the last two days.  The thought of trekking through the snow in freezing teperatures tomorrow for Spanish class sounds like a nightmare.  I hate Spanish, the cold and snow.  Yet I live in Utah and it seems I may never get away from this horrible place!  In the custody papers, I am supposed to agree to never move out of state.  That is an eighteen year sentence in hell.  This place blows. 
I am so afraid to write what I want to write and one person in particular knows why.  Now that I have opened up my blog again, I believe said person will view my page and nod his head and sigh and say something like: You dug your grave.  If said person stumbles upon my blog, please, by all means, stop reading.  Return to the life that is greater than mine and allow me to live in my pain and misery.  Hahahahah. 
Tomorrow I  may have more courage to write.  I don't believe, despite the time and my utter boredom, I can write what I want to. 

Sick

I can't sleep tonight (much the same as other nights) and many things run  through my mind.  I know that my life can be better and that I need to make the improvements.  It's amazing how a bad man can ruin everything. 
Adam is supposed to move here in two weeks.   Will it happen?  Highly improbable.  Here is what I have decided: I will say nothing to him about it and when he doesn't execute his promise and remains living with his ex-girlfriend, I will tell him that it's time to move forward with our lives.  I want that.  We are terribly unhappy together.  I believe that the only thing we have in common is Max and white skin. 
Holden is sick.  I believe at this moment he is throwing up on my bed which means I have to go.

Empty

I feel empty and sad tonight.  The relationship with Adam moves so slowly it's painful.  I just ate a bunch of crap too, which impeded my weight loss goals.  Obviously.  But I am consumed with emptiness right now.  What is wrong with me?