I feel amazing

I read such a book!  It has inspired me to think and think and not stop thinking.  It is through these kinds of books that validates my extensive desire to read all the literature I can before I die or lose my abilities to consume.  Just feel amazing. 
Otherwise my life is the same, only this much better.  Actually, I received a call last week that I am reluctant to talk about.  I feel utterly victimized over it-which is absurd, I know, because feeling victimized creates more victimization, doesn't it?  It also does not allow me to really act.  I had the flu for about two weeks.  It was debilitating, as illnesses often are with me.  I get them and they knock me out and I exist as a dead person until my body defeats the illnesses.  Everyone who knows me knows that I am famous for the worst sorts of cold sore breakouts.  They ravage my face if I don't catch them in time.  Well, I was sick sick sick and basically I allowed the children to take care of themselves.  They were in charge of showering and while I provided clean clothes at all times, I really could have cared less if they went to school with Halloween costumes on.  So, I get a call that Eric is "dirty" and that his needs are not being attended to.  WTF?  I was deeply ashamed and hurt.  I have no help when I am down.  It's me against the world.  Anyway, he never looked that bad but his nails looked as though he had been plundering graves with his bare hands.  It was shocking and humiliating.  I have since made sure he looked "presentable" but not without some anger.  I would rather keep sending him to school looking like a reject than satisfying some sinister, rectally- challenged person's complaints.   It really burns me up-but since I have to conform, I will.  But I would really like to take that person's face and run it into the ground for a few minutes. 
My house smells like apple roses because of this candle I bought.  I have no idea what an apple rose is, but somehow the candle manages to really smell like an apple and a rose and it's nice. 
Is it really 1:33?  Why am I always writing so late? 
I suppose I should try and sleep.  I am already digesting four melatonin-sleep aids.  Will they work?  Unlikely.  I am thinking of you tonight N-LAW.  You know who you are.  We could have had some adventures together, couldn't we?  I miss you. 

Let's try this again

My last post was deleted and that's probably a good thing.  I was going into a diatribe about depression, something that has been consistent and enormous throughout my life.  I feel pretty terrible and who gives a damn. 
I have begun a mission of withdrawal and I am very accomplished at that, just ask Si.  Accomplished like the most sophisticated ice queen known to man.  It takes a little disgust, a touch of life-bred hate and nonchalance.  Voila!  It works like a charm...
And what it works best at is just making me feel melancholy.  I wish I had the right person to live my life with.  That one person who gets it.  Maybe there was only one person who got it and they are chronically unavailable.  The biggest problem is feeling directionless and sullen.  I had a million dreams and I have never stopped believing in them but they feel a little piqued and idealistic right now.  I have to get a job for certain and graduate from the university, which I am doing in a matter of three months.  But what about the rest of it?  And I am so lonely these days. 
I was lonely before with Si, but this might actually be worse. 
I am uncomfortable writing here on the floor because the kids wrecked my laptop.  Really blows. 

Incredibly important post

This post will, I hope, insert some sense into my actions towards Adam.  Tonight I may very well be the most happy woman in the world.  I am floating.  It touches every nerve and every cell in my body.  I love him like I have never loved any man in the world.  I do not think many people experience this kind of love and while the hell is deep and critical, so is the ecstasy.  It is no different from a drug and it is this feeling that makes me unable to ever leave him.  I feel I know his very soul and that in it lies a part of me.  I know how bad the bad gets but this is how high the high gets.
I know not many people ever feel this.  I know that to others the bads are not worth it but that is because they may have never experienced such beauty from another person. 
I do not hold an existential testimony that there is an afterlife or ghosts or any of that bullshit but when I am consumed with this feeling from Adam I do pray.  I ask what it is I need to do to keep him and live the rest of my life with him.  It may be desperation that drives me because I don't know how to stop the fights and the jealousy and the other discontents but I do so want to.  I have never been one who can be quiet and take anger and grief in solitude.  My voice always comes out and what a travesty.  Shouldn't I just be a submissive and adorable woman?  It won't happen. 
I love him.  I love him and want nothing else for my future.  Not ever. 

Still awake

And I can't stop thinking.  I am not sure it is healthy thinking, however, but it keeps me awake.  Also, I neglected to mention that I am very sick and have been for the last two days.  The thought of trekking through the snow in freezing teperatures tomorrow for Spanish class sounds like a nightmare.  I hate Spanish, the cold and snow.  Yet I live in Utah and it seems I may never get away from this horrible place!  In the custody papers, I am supposed to agree to never move out of state.  That is an eighteen year sentence in hell.  This place blows. 
I am so afraid to write what I want to write and one person in particular knows why.  Now that I have opened up my blog again, I believe said person will view my page and nod his head and sigh and say something like: You dug your grave.  If said person stumbles upon my blog, please, by all means, stop reading.  Return to the life that is greater than mine and allow me to live in my pain and misery.  Hahahahah. 
Tomorrow I  may have more courage to write.  I don't believe, despite the time and my utter boredom, I can write what I want to. 

Sick

I can't sleep tonight (much the same as other nights) and many things run  through my mind.  I know that my life can be better and that I need to make the improvements.  It's amazing how a bad man can ruin everything. 
Adam is supposed to move here in two weeks.   Will it happen?  Highly improbable.  Here is what I have decided: I will say nothing to him about it and when he doesn't execute his promise and remains living with his ex-girlfriend, I will tell him that it's time to move forward with our lives.  I want that.  We are terribly unhappy together.  I believe that the only thing we have in common is Max and white skin. 
Holden is sick.  I believe at this moment he is throwing up on my bed which means I have to go.

Empty

I feel empty and sad tonight.  The relationship with Adam moves so slowly it's painful.  I just ate a bunch of crap too, which impeded my weight loss goals.  Obviously.  But I am consumed with emptiness right now.  What is wrong with me?