Toast

You can’t find the lighter you say,

You need a lighter for your cigarette. 

So you grab the toaster, take it into the bathroom,

And I sit in the rocking chair and watch TV, a story

About the mundane horrors of polygamy.

Somewhere in my head, I know what’s happening,

That you took your shirt off, that you needed a

Fucking toaster in the bathroom

And a spoon

And a needle. 

Forty-five minutes, still an amateur. 

You come out and I grab your arm,

Keep my face in check, keep my jaw from dropping

At the giant, mean welt on your arm,

Ridged dents where you tied a belt to make your vein pop.

Your eyes rolling, your skin wan and sad.

I can’t look at you. 

And I never want to again. 

Be that broken winged bird that can walk away

The Drugs

Kurt took me home last night and we stopped and looked at my car.  It's a goner.  Won't start.  I think Adam (and I know nothing about cars) destroyed the fuel pump by letting it run completely of out gas.  It is really hard not having a car and living all the way out in never never land.  It is really difficult to have to move and not have a car to move anything with.  I need someone to bring my dead car back to life.  Without costing me any more money.  I lack two things:  money and time.  Especially when $400 was taken out of my account and used to buy drugs (that he left in my car.  Did I write that yet?  He is desperate to get them back.  It is really disgusting). 
I am not really speaking with Adam right now and have, maybe for the first time, absolutely no desire to speak with him.  I have come to the conclusion that asshole really is a bad person!  I thought that the drugs made him bad....but I kept saying to him yesterday, "make the right decision.  Give the drugs back."  I don't tell him I know that he took them from his grandmother.  His mother made me promise not to.  But at any rate, I am going to give them back to his grandmother. 
So, if I never talk to him again, I would be fine.  Except that I have Max.  He needs his dad.  Even if his dad is a total piece of garbage. 
There are a lot of men in my life.  And I like so many of them.  I am going to start dating the ones I like again and fuck Adam (not literally).  He is nothing to me anymore but a big problem.  If he would be the good person I thought he was, it would be fine.  But it appears he's not.