Weekend Thoughts

I didn't sleep one wink last night and here I am at work....feeling as though I sound strange and slurred.  I have to think about things a little too hard.  I didn't sleep because the pressure of all of this is a little overwhelming.  My car...still dead.  Adam went and worked on it yesterday for hours and I sat in the hot sun watching cars go by and thinking about how crappy his dad's car looked beside my own crappy car and how Adam's dad can't really walk or stand actually and yet he was working so hard to fix my mostly unfixable car.  And Adam, I found the door of my back seat basically removed and then a screwdriver...where he had tried breaking into my car when his drugs were still in there. So, I was feeling angry the whole time and thinking about what an idiot I am (I seriously am).  But I need that car.  And I need a place to live. 

So, last night (here comes the idiot part) Adam was sleeping over....not with me though...because we weren't exactly on speaking terms and we are both up the whole night.  Finally about 4 am I go into the front room where he has been sleeping with his shirt off (sorry but I love those broad beautiful shoulders) and we have it out.  All of it.  His being with the ubiquitous Alexis the whole time we were together and he says it's all my fault because of all my men (I do have a lot).  But the problem is that....he has nothing anymore.  NOTHING.  No television, no internet, no...well, nothing.  His grandmother moved out of the house and took everything with her.  I feel sorry for him and his father.  His dad has nothing and nobody.  I see this look Adam gets in his eyes and it's just pain.  He is in so much pain.  It hurts me so much to see it even though he has caused so much to so many. 

I am tired. 

Me and Max.

Last Post

After that horrifying last post, I found this poem I wrote and while it's not very good, it was written right from the gut. 

Here is this child
No longer mine
Because he cries for daddy
and smells of sausage and cigarettes
He was 1/7th of my heart
Now he is 3/4ths. 

I want the hand of death
to walk into the tunnel together
Because HE shred my soul
this time.  Eternally. 
I no longer belong in the light
or the dark. 

And BTW-HE is not God.   Oh no.  I have no faith.  HE is adam.  Who is akin to the devil.  That I don't believe in either. 

What I Always Wanted to Hear..Until Now

Adam and I talked.  He says, "I love you more than anything.  I am so sorry."  Don't get me wrong, though, it did make me feel warm and gooey.  It's just that....I am trying to move forward with my life and that shit...that shit he did was more than a little debilitating.  Now, though, he says he wants to fix my car.  He wants to make it right.  In truth, how great would life be if he were normal and stable and good?  Life would be near perfect.  But regretably, the chances of that happening are slightly scewed. 

So, I am going to write something quite terrible and quite unspeakable.  Once I write this, I promise not to visit it again.  But, during my walk yesterday to the store (since i have no car and no food in the house) my thoughts wandered and then stayed on a certain, shameful subject.  My thoughts stayed there for so long that I bcame mortified and almost...bored. 

It is no surprise to anyone that I do not like being alive.  That I hate life.  That I find no reason, no purpose and no real happiness.  I feel that while I have too much sympathy, even empathy for others, it is indeed a rare and impossible trait in others.  When I have been at my worst and deepest desperation, no one, no one is there and no one to make me care.  I have lived through some terrible things...and not to bring back the past, but losing Max for that time was like suffering the death of my child.  The pain was excrutiating.  I remember lying on the floor at nights, unable to sleep, holding my sotmach and crying with abandon because the pain was so intense and overpowering.  I remember waking up with such terrible stabs of anxiety that I could not get out of bed for hours, if at all.  I remember wanting to die so badly and knowing that I could not take away a mother from my children.  I suffered everyday and when I would talk to people about it...they were so distant and for them the reaction was this:  you have so many.  Let this child go.  How much that hurt.  How many tears I spilt.  How I learnt that life is cruel and unfeeling.  Everyone.  Even those who alledgedly love me the most. 

I still want to die.  I still do not want to be here.  I know that i am a failure.  That although I am only 38, my skin is looser, my face is sadder and with wrinkles and other skin defects, I have no accomplishments to be proud of, I have nothing more to offer.  I know that once men fell in love with me competely and wholly and now I could win a man only by being my nice, fake self full of life (that I hate) and fun and display my sweet and explosive happiness.  If I were a man, how worthless would I be?  I have a relatively low paying job and while I have an education....it is worthless (in so many peoples lives.  It has enriched my life significantly but made me no money to speak of).  I am a failure as a mother.  My kids are fantastic but Holden should be reading by now.  Mia should be better in school.  Eric should be fostered and led into a better direction.  It's not enough what I do.  It's never enough. 

I know this is why I stay with Adam.  He doesn't love me.  He never will.  But no one does.  Kurt took me home yesterday and acted like a dick because I did not want to have sex with him.  Asshole.  I hate that.  I hate people with sex problems and I won't deal with it.  Not again. 

Adam doesn't have that problem. 

I am sad.  I hate my body.  I hate myself.  I hate and hate.  And am ready to leave this place. 

Inhale

I inhale
long and deep
Tasting every subtle sinew
Sizzling fats, veins
Snapping bursts of flames;
Panting dragon
Enter
Into my soul
Finger the delicate secrets
The sensuous arcs
and pulsing agile shadows
Expertly darting through your fingers
Like silver guppies
I pause
Implode

Exhale.

The Drugs

Kurt took me home last night and we stopped and looked at my car.  It's a goner.  Won't start.  I think Adam (and I know nothing about cars) destroyed the fuel pump by letting it run completely of out gas.  It is really hard not having a car and living all the way out in never never land.  It is really difficult to have to move and not have a car to move anything with.  I need someone to bring my dead car back to life.  Without costing me any more money.  I lack two things:  money and time.  Especially when $400 was taken out of my account and used to buy drugs (that he left in my car.  Did I write that yet?  He is desperate to get them back.  It is really disgusting). 
I am not really speaking with Adam right now and have, maybe for the first time, absolutely no desire to speak with him.  I have come to the conclusion that asshole really is a bad person!  I thought that the drugs made him bad....but I kept saying to him yesterday, "make the right decision.  Give the drugs back."  I don't tell him I know that he took them from his grandmother.  His mother made me promise not to.  But at any rate, I am going to give them back to his grandmother. 
So, if I never talk to him again, I would be fine.  Except that I have Max.  He needs his dad.  Even if his dad is a total piece of garbage. 
There are a lot of men in my life.  And I like so many of them.  I am going to start dating the ones I like again and fuck Adam (not literally).  He is nothing to me anymore but a big problem.  If he would be the good person I thought he was, it would be fine.  But it appears he's not. 

Deeeeeflation

I am feeling a little depressed today.  Maybe even a lot.  Maybe even so much that I am struggling getting through this day.  Not to mention that I don't have a car and don't know when I am going to get it back.  Adam called me trying to act nice and sweet but I told him I am not giving him back his drugs and he suddenly became a colossal ass.  He really needs to go back to jail and remain there.  I am so much happier when I don't have him around to ruin my life.  He doesn't care about my car or me or maybe even his son. 

But I have bigger fish to fry.  For this new house, the landlord wants the old landlord information.  If I give him that info, I won't get in the house. 

I MISS my crappy car.  I will not have the money to fix it either.  Kurt (as usual) is going to help me.  He is not really what you would call "car savvy" but he's smart and could probably figure something out.  Adam was meeting me downstairs during my lunch break but I stood him up and decided I would rather lie back agains the cold cement wall than go and meet him.  He was going to get my keys and work on my car.  But fuck him.  Serioulsy, Fuck.  Him.