Suicide Day

My life really never gets any better.  I am very reluctant to write this post and not very excited for others to read it.  But suppose what makes anything worth reading is writing what you most fear.  Adam has kidnapped the baby again and won't let me see him.  It's like having my soul ripped out.  The pain is just about intolerable.  I cannot believe I am going through this again. 

ButI am not sitting on my hands.  I did go and file custody and even temporary custody.  But the very soonest I will be able to see Max is 9/27 and that is killing me.  Every day it is difficult to get up, to stay up and when I am at home I have a hard time doing anything but laying in bed and dealing with my siezed nerves. 

Here is my Tuesday.  I am wretched, scared and Adam refuses to let me see my son.  So, I go to lunch and kurt is there.  He says, "Stop whining."  I go ballistic on him, call into work for the rest of the day and then mull around the homeless for a few hours crying my eyes out. I decide i am giong to kill myself.  I sit under a tree and discover there is a bridge just ahead and that i am going to climb to the top and throw myself off.  I am ready to do this.  But I am hot and have a headache so I lie underneath a tree for a few moments and fall asleep.  When I wake up, my head is pounding so badly I cannot open my eyes.  I realize I need to take care of the blinding headache and stagger towards the trax.  On the way there a man leaning against a building says, "Hey there pretty lady."  I ignore him, thinking he will see my puffy eyes and understand, but he yells out, "Fuck you then."  I walk on. 

This day and last night

I am having a hard time.  I was thinking I had this house...they made think as much....and last night I got a text from the guy that said something to the effect that they were considering someone else and to give them a call.  Which essentially tells me tht I didn't get the house.  And this morning I just don't want to be here at work.  I am going to have to initiate plan B which is to give my kids to their fathers since I cannot support them.  I have failed them.  Again.  And i hate that anyone would read this blog and feel bad for me but it's just the way of things right now. 
I had this awful dream last night.  There was a man who was torturing me, holding me down and pinning my arm to the ground.  But the horrible part was that he was choking someone to death in front of me and I couldn't stop him.  I don't really want to relive it but I woke up and couldn't help but wonder...what the fuck is wrong with my head? 

HIiiiiiiiigh Again

I am having a very difficult time writing.  I am tired of complaining maybe.  But Adam is high again and with the girlfriend and this is my way of documenting all he does so that when we have to go back to court....it's all here.  He butt dialed me and I heard him discussing how many pills he and Alexis had between them and...sadly...how to fill out a financial aid application.  My theory is that if you can't figure out how to fill out a financial aid application for college by yourself, you're not going to do that well in college.  He's brilliant...doing it for the money and yet destined to fail another semester.  Thank God he's not my problem anymore. 

Just thinking

So the landlord actually said..."Would you like to sweeten the deal?"  That was it.  And then, last night he calls me and says, maybe you should keep your options open.  After what happened, I am not sure this is a good idea."  Seriously?  SERIOUSLY?  Fucking serious?  I should sue the bastard.  It was so nuts..the whole thing.  Accusing me of sexually gratifying my current landlord and then I think about it and what I let him do and it makes me ill.  I also know that the only reason why what happened actually happened in because of these stupid PAXIL withdrawals.  I am the stage of intense anxiety right now.  And loathing depression.  I feel like if I were only slightly more disconnected....

The Landlord

I could turn this post into a lurid erotica tale but I think I will just tell the truth.  Last night I was suffering from horrible Paxil withdrawals.  I was shaking and sweating and in a very dissociative state of mind.  However, I had to look at a house last night.  I am met by this really huge black guy who seems kind of strange but kind of attractive.  Well, after looking that house, that I desperately need, I stood there talking to him and yes, I noticed him sweeping my body up and done with his eyes, but did I expect what was to happen next?  He says, "why havent you been paying rent the last two months?"  I say, "My landlord asked me to leave a couple of months ago and he knows I need to save money.  He is a very good man and I know it for letting me stay and not making me pay."  He says, "I don't beleive that.  Are you doing anything else for him?"  I was a little shocked but tell him no.  Then he says, "do you want to do anything extra to get this house?"  I say, "Like what."  And he raises his eybrows and says nothing for a few minutes.  And yes, that's right, he wants IT.  He wants me to give him a blow job to get the house.  He goes and closes the door, locks it, shuts the blinds and he's sweating like a black pig.  I feel torn because I am DESPERATE for a house and it was a nice house but would i do that for a house?  Like a whore?  Maybe. 

Did I do it?  Yes and no.  Mostly no.  But it was strange and scary and why did he instantly think of me like that?  I was shaking like a leaf and and sweating and feeling removed.  I have more to write but must get this posted. 

To Amy:

From: Amy

You know this through and through
Inside and out.
He never feels compelled to look at you
or touch you. 
He has lied and his words sway back and forth
like his contrived affection,
An unyeilding pendulum,
You have given your heart
and soul and he has given it back
and then asked for it again. 
He deosn't want it at all
Unless he can squeeze money
or keys
or a hamburger
from me. 
to me
from him
A loveless smile
and a tap or two of sickness.   

Adam is out of Jail again and I have hardly heard a word from him.  Given that I am coming to an astonishing realization that he is a true psychopath, maybe that's okay.  It bothers me that he isn't contacting me...but I also feel a fragile freedom. FRAGILE freedom.