Something Simoun said..

He was right and tonight it is really getting me.  No one will ever love me like he did.  It is true.  I told Adam that if I stayed with him I would never know what's it's like to be loved again and that too is true.  I can't concentrate on everything I should be doing because this horrible night keeps turning itself over and over again in my head.  I will sleep it away I suppose. 

A little too tired to write...expect choppiness.

Despite losing my bag of gummy bears, I really had an incredible day.  I so very obviously did not get the job I wanted so badly, but I suppose there are a million more out there.  It is disappointing, though.  I did not make it to my classes today and feel actually rotten about that.  I do not feel well and Simoun was so tired I did not want to drop off Holden.  Wait a minute....the more I write, the more I believe it was not an incredible day!  But I did spend time with Adam and perhaps that's what is always incredible and leaves me in bliss though there are a million storms brewing. 
I just need to write about one thing.  Glenna.  I am scared to death.  She might have cancer and if it's not cancer, it is still something bad.  This is why I sometimes hate life and don't understand anything about it.  Death belongs to everyone and while dying cannot be easy, it is the living that must suffer the most.  I do not want her to die.  I do not want to lose that incredible woman I have known for such a brief, but unfathomably rich, time in my life.  Please, please don't die, Glenna.  What a loss for humankind!  I do not even want to think about this and will never write about it again-but just a few moments ago learned about all that is wrong with her body. 
I even think of my own mother and all that plagues her.  We live and must lose, I guess.  But if our relationships are the most pertinent things in life, why must they be so fragile? 

Too many kids

My friend is having a herpes breakout.  I feel terrible for her and want to give her something for her pain.  It is something she regrets and despises about herself.  Thank the great god above I never contracted anything.  Then again, I have been careful all my life. 
But my friend's kids are here and I want to cry.  They are lying on my bed eating cheetos.  Fucking cheetos.  Really?  And I am so irritable. 
And I am using subjunctives to begin each sentence. 
My old boss wrote me and said that he wants to meet my neighbor and screw her since I will never be intimate with him.  Nice guy.  So glad I missed that boatride. 
Anyway, that's it for today.  Just too many kids. 

Sucked in

Why do I let myself fall so wholly and fantastically? Here I am. Suffocating in a love that I have no mastery of. It swallows me. It feeds me. The desire is only partially carnal because there is something else, mysterious and sublime, that submerces me. I want to be his wife and his lover and his student and I want lie and read a book in my room while he cuts his hands up working on his cars outside. Just knowing that he is here, around me, can be enough. I want to taste everything and know everything, be everything to him for him and in him. What this is has no earthly connection.
And that's enough talking about it. He leaves me wasted.
I have had three loves in my life. The first two (and should I write their names here? Why does love want to be recognized so badly? I want to write their names and tell everyone about the ocean of secrets doomed to drown so dry and dead inside the abyss of my memories. I loved them dearly and deeply. I likely caused catastrophy in their lives. I am not sorry.) conquered the childish me. The me who was still struggling for recognition. They catapulted me into adulthood. I do think that I would be a different and more satisfied person had I never met them. One of you, you know who you are, gave me unfathomable gifts and still does. When I am around him, I feel that he knows me so completely that I need him at times to help me remember who I am. We should have run away together. We should have seized those moments and done something terrible and wicked and then come back home. We would have repaired our lives back to normal but would always have these remnants of the churdish wickedness. Why didn't we do it? Why did we let those moments pass and now it's too late and will always be too late. I am in a trench of possession. I can never go back to who I was before. Adam has consumed me.
When I lie next to Adam every sound, scent, quiver, breath seizes me and I am in profound bliss. Tonight he was sleeping and I rested my face against his neck and an attack of merciless euphoria ate me up.
I am tired and suffering. It all makes me suffer. A rabid dog. Foaming at the mouth.