Sucked in

Why do I let myself fall so wholly and fantastically? Here I am. Suffocating in a love that I have no mastery of. It swallows me. It feeds me. The desire is only partially carnal because there is something else, mysterious and sublime, that submerces me. I want to be his wife and his lover and his student and I want lie and read a book in my room while he cuts his hands up working on his cars outside. Just knowing that he is here, around me, can be enough. I want to taste everything and know everything, be everything to him for him and in him. What this is has no earthly connection.
And that's enough talking about it. He leaves me wasted.
I have had three loves in my life. The first two (and should I write their names here? Why does love want to be recognized so badly? I want to write their names and tell everyone about the ocean of secrets doomed to drown so dry and dead inside the abyss of my memories. I loved them dearly and deeply. I likely caused catastrophy in their lives. I am not sorry.) conquered the childish me. The me who was still struggling for recognition. They catapulted me into adulthood. I do think that I would be a different and more satisfied person had I never met them. One of you, you know who you are, gave me unfathomable gifts and still does. When I am around him, I feel that he knows me so completely that I need him at times to help me remember who I am. We should have run away together. We should have seized those moments and done something terrible and wicked and then come back home. We would have repaired our lives back to normal but would always have these remnants of the churdish wickedness. Why didn't we do it? Why did we let those moments pass and now it's too late and will always be too late. I am in a trench of possession. I can never go back to who I was before. Adam has consumed me.
When I lie next to Adam every sound, scent, quiver, breath seizes me and I am in profound bliss. Tonight he was sleeping and I rested my face against his neck and an attack of merciless euphoria ate me up.
I am tired and suffering. It all makes me suffer. A rabid dog. Foaming at the mouth.