In my homelessness, I have made another bad, but desperate, choice.  I ended up staying with Adam for a few days.  He went to jail (again) and when he got out, he needed help, so I said I would help him.  I paid for the registration for his car and got insurance on it.  Then, somehow, I ended up staying there for about 5 days.  And some of it was nice and the rest was absolute pain.  That type of pain that aches like an ulcer in your chest and makes you cry.  He doesn't come around me, ignores me, sometimes acts like I am just a nuisance actually, makes me feel very very bad about myself.  And last night I was there and I was helping him with a job interview for the next day and while we were on the computer a message pops up from the LADY IN THE SKY Alexis.  What does he do?  He shuts off the computer so i can't read anything and no we are not together and no it shouldn't even bother me but it did.  Very much.  So much I couldn't sleep.  I started thinking about how much he never even speaks to me unless he has to and is not attracted to me anymore and that ulcer pain just comes and overwhelms me.  I just thought over and over "you have to get out of here.  You just have to leave."  But if felt stupid really because I had nowhere to go.  Around 2:30 in the morning, I just picked up my stuff and left.  And he saw me leave through the window and I haven't heard a word from him which is just what I expected and in so many ways I just feel better.  I slept in my car in a couple of different parking lots and cried a lot and thought about that bridge by the Gateway center that lets you stand on the rails and how easy that would be, just to fall straight into the ground and not feel this terrible emptiness anymore.  At one point, I did fall asleep and when I woke up a half hour later, I thought "I feel so much better now.  So much better."  And then for some reason the pain hit me even harder all at once and I cried until my cheeks hurt and that chest ache surges with cries like that.  So I just stayed there and then when it was 7:45 I went to work thinking that it's not that I really want to be dead, I just don't wan to be alive.
And that is what Adam does to me.  Every.  Single.  Time.  

Here I go again, in the hopes that no one I know is actually reading any of this.  I just need a place to go to spill out all of this bad stuff.  This weekend was horrible.  I had no money and had Max with me and on Friday I had bought Max food but by Friday night my brother had eaten it all.  So this weekend, and in truth, I can barely remember the weekend, only that it was full of a lot of sleeping and hunger.  And poor Max, poor Max.  I did make sure he had something, but in thinking back I am not even 100% sure of anything I did at all.  We went camping with Andellyn and her boyfriend.  I remember that.  Just a fire pit and marshmallows and Max did like that because he wanted to go again.  But other than that, I just did nothing.  Yesterday I didn't have enough gas to get to work and so was going to take the train...but I missed the train by about one minute and I brilliantly just decided not to go to work at all.  And I slept in my car all day.  I mean all day.  At one point I used what was left in my checking account; $1.76 and bought a bean burrito and coke.  And then I slept some more.  My whole body hurts today from head to toe.  But I went home and my brother and sister in law had managed to come up with food somehow and they fed Max but I was mad because I had bought him food that should have lasted.  It doesn't matter.  I went home last night and took a sleeping pill and couldn't sleep.  Was awake all night and aching and was on that couch with Max and what would I do without Max...but I think I am depressed, know that I am because I just don't care much about anything at all.  Everything is getting to me, every little mistake and I am afraid every time I leave, even just to the bathroom, because my boss gets upset when I leave and I hate this job actually.  And I find very little enjoyment in it, but then that applies to almost everything right now.  My stomach hurts again but if I leave, if I leave, my boss will know.  The last time I did I came back and she was standing over my desk.  Just while I went to the bathroom because my stomach is a mess.  My head is a mess.  I thought I had already hit rock bottom, I did hit rock bottom, and this is just another bottom not quite as close as the other bottom.  But worse than at other times, is that I have no real friends.  Kurt was my friend and he is the very one who put me in this place this time.

I know I should try to write on this blog when things are maybe not so horribly bad but the only time I feel like writing, like really writing about my life, is when things are horribly bad.  Today I am feeling low.  Desperate low.  I am homeless right now.  Kurt and I got into a big fight and he said that he wanted me out of "his" house (can I capitalize, italicize, cap and bold the word "HIS" because that's what he did during our argument).  He said his son was coming into town and he didn't want him sleeping on the floor, you know, the floor where Holden has been sleeping for the last nine months.  And that his son said that HIS house was too crowded and a bunch of other stuff.  Ultimately in the argument Kurt called my mother a dumbass alcoholic, my father a drug using loser and my sister a total whacko.  And even if all those things are true, he should not have said them.  I did not at any time insult him personally or talk about his family. I did, however, throw my diet coke in his face (I still gush when I think about that.  That was lovely).

Last Thursday I moved my stuff out then drove my Mia and Holden to Arizona to stay with my family.  Eric is with his dad and then there is the nightmare of Adam which is too much to go into right now (but Alexis basically kidnapped Max on his birthday and Adam was high on oxy.  Great day!)  So, when I got back from Arizona I had no where to go.  I had Michael with me and my dad hates Michael so he wouldn't' take him.  So we drove around to about 5 parks, Michael, Max and me, and it was a very difficult day.  Michael ended up going with his dad and I went to my brothers.  It's been hard.  I cant' really take a shower and I can't shave my legs and I am taking pills so that I can sleep.  Then this morning on the way to work a giant rock hit my windshield and my windshield is shattered.  And i am broke. And scared.  And homeless and sad and then my boss said that i was dressed inappropriately today.  Michael keeps sending me texts about how he is crying himself to sleep every single night.

I keep hoping things will get better and for a moment they do.  And then it comes crashing back down. Today I have those bad feelings, the ones that seem to bury me deep.  The worst thing about it is that there is so little, so absolute little, I can do.  I know things have been worse, but not much worse.  Maybe not worse.
Most importantly, I HATE KURT.  I will never, not ever, speak to him again.  And if it happens that I have to, certainly I will never fake the pretense that I am with him, care about him or respect him.  He has been telling me for the last five months that he doesn't have enough money for toilet paper.  For nothing.  But when I stopped by there on my way back from Arizona, his cupboards were full of food.  He had everything.  He is a liar. And to think that he still wanted us to be together, to date, saying he loved me and I was family.  To be fair, I never loved him and I have always known that.