In my homelessness, I have made another bad, but desperate, choice.  I ended up staying with Adam for a few days.  He went to jail (again) and when he got out, he needed help, so I said I would help him.  I paid for the registration for his car and got insurance on it.  Then, somehow, I ended up staying there for about 5 days.  And some of it was nice and the rest was absolute pain.  That type of pain that aches like an ulcer in your chest and makes you cry.  He doesn't come around me, ignores me, sometimes acts like I am just a nuisance actually, makes me feel very very bad about myself.  And last night I was there and I was helping him with a job interview for the next day and while we were on the computer a message pops up from the LADY IN THE SKY Alexis.  What does he do?  He shuts off the computer so i can't read anything and no we are not together and no it shouldn't even bother me but it did.  Very much.  So much I couldn't sleep.  I started thinking about how much he never even speaks to me unless he has to and is not attracted to me anymore and that ulcer pain just comes and overwhelms me.  I just thought over and over "you have to get out of here.  You just have to leave."  But if felt stupid really because I had nowhere to go.  Around 2:30 in the morning, I just picked up my stuff and left.  And he saw me leave through the window and I haven't heard a word from him which is just what I expected and in so many ways I just feel better.  I slept in my car in a couple of different parking lots and cried a lot and thought about that bridge by the Gateway center that lets you stand on the rails and how easy that would be, just to fall straight into the ground and not feel this terrible emptiness anymore.  At one point, I did fall asleep and when I woke up a half hour later, I thought "I feel so much better now.  So much better."  And then for some reason the pain hit me even harder all at once and I cried until my cheeks hurt and that chest ache surges with cries like that.  So I just stayed there and then when it was 7:45 I went to work thinking that it's not that I really want to be dead, I just don't wan to be alive.
And that is what Adam does to me.  Every.  Single.  Time.