Tact

I keep letting myself go back and I should stop now. There are ways-like losing weight-it will take some self sacrifice but it will be good in the end. It is the end I am worried about. There will come a day when He leaves, goes his own way, perhaps he is already, and one day it will all come out and I can only imagine the devastation. It will be horrific! It will be more than I am willing to go through ever again. I just don’t understand why he owns my heart and soul like this anyway. I will venture to guess that had I the chance to spend a life with him it would have been agony.
Tonight I spent time with an ex-love. It is always a strange experience. At first I stand away. I feel reluctant to come near him-but as the time passes, I find myself touching him more and getting closer. It’s natural. There is a force lying dormant in my head, all the old feelings, and they force their way through after an hour or so. I did love him after all. I had a child with him and when we last spoke fifteen years ago, it was painful and full of regret. I did not believe he loved me, that anyone could love me, and I have found after all these years that he did.
And I suppose I feel the same way now! Toward the one. I feel he doesn’t and in truth, he doesn’t. I keep the lie alive because I cannot tear myself away but I know the ending of this saga! I must break away now. Excruciating!!!