He is Beautiful and I am a Hag

Why do I always get sick during school break? It makes me think of that horrible panic attack I had just after Holden. I remember thinking, I can't lose control because no one is here to take care of the baby. Then the second Simoun walks into the room a lever was shut down and my mind screamed: NOW. I had the worst panic attack of my life and only those who have had panic attacks can clearly understand what I am writing about. Breaks from school seem to go about the same way. Viruses are already in there, snoozing away, but as soon as break comes around KABOOM. They kick it in high gear. I know exactly what everyone thinks about this: It's the stress of midterms blah blah blah...and maybe that is true but I don't really give a damn. I just don't want to waste all my time being sick.
Adam looked like a god tonight. I was afraid to get too near him because I am sure he doesn't think the same way about germs as I do. I believe that any germ I get from one that I am obsessed with is a good germ.
Again, I have had serious doubt about things. I don't hear anything for days sometimes. I seem to fumble around when that happens, trying to distract myself but I always end up hurt and mad and sick to my stomach.
My love child is beautiful! How many women can brag that they have a love child? Not many. I took the chance and he is stunning, beautiful and I wouldn't take it back for anything. I would, however, take back the way I did it. Certain things, like the fact that there were many others at the time, and he could never trust me and he is too good, too godly anyway. There are too many things about him and someone else is bound to fall in love with him and he will return that love and then I am the old, lost hag. I hope not. I pray not. I don't pray at all, actually. Just hope.