Last paper

I am going to finish this semester?  Who would have thought.  I only thought about dropping 120 times.  I hope to write a kickass paper and life will be beautiful for three weeks.  I can handle one more semester. 
I am going to write a paper on Shakespeare's love/hate relationship with the dark.  I am sure it will be underwhelming.  However, I am writing for one of my favorite professors of all time and perhaps that will inspire me to work harder. 
Kids go to bed. 
Time to work. 

W A R N I N G

If you read my blog, do not write to me about it.  I have no interest in discussing what I write here with anyone.  If you do write me, do not expect me to write you back and do not expect me to be pleased.  I prefer that particular someone who does this not read my blog any longer as you have taken the joy out of it for me and made it into a task to be audited and conservative.  That is not my intention. 
The year 2011 approaches and with it will come a new and better life.  I am no longer the victim of my fate.  After my final tomorrow, it's time to get back up on the blog wagon and write more.  Much to be said.  Much has happened. 
Now time to sleep. 

Before the Spanish Test

I have to get this out before I can study.  I just feel, and do as a general rule lately, confused and angry.  I have been through so much this last year.  In some ways things are better.  In others, it's the same long checklist that comprises my life.  Just now Adam and I got into another fight.  We suffered one last night over his inability to spend the night here.  Now he screamed at me for God only knows what.  I feel tired and sapped.  I have finals and so often my mind strays from where it should be.  I need to focus and how can I focus when all this chaos rules the events of my day. 
I no longer know what to do with my life.  It was all figured out a scant year ago.  Now I flounder in discontent.  I often have episodes of deep depression and melancholy.
I should not be with him.  I run the risk of another few years of misery. 

Let it

Let it die.  Leave it alone.  Let it go for good.  It hurts but it won't always.  I hate to think that he hurts but it's time to stop.  It is done. 
I am so sad.  I cannot do anything but remain in this sadness.  It is immovable.  Impermeable.  But it too will diminish. 
How long will it take for it to die all the way?  How long does it take?  I hope it does not take another year of my life. 

The Inevitable

Tomorrow I go to court for my citations. One for assualt and the other for verbal abuse in front of a child.  I am furious and resigned.  Adam raised his fist to me, said, "I want to punch you in the face" so I backhanded him in the eye.  Left a giant welp and even a small, tan bruise that lasted for a couple of days.  But I think about it and feel betrayed and tricked.  After the hit, he grabs his phone and repeats, "You're going to jail now.  Oh yeah.  Their going to get you."  So he calls and the dumbass has it all recorded on his iphone for the authorities to hear.  They gave him a citation as well and told me that no woman should be talked to that way.  They still slapped me with two charges but told me to get out of the relationship forever. 
Right now I am full of anxiety and fear.  I have to go, I know, but over what?  And do I say guilty because he set me up for that, threatened to punch me, called me horrible things that I no longer want repeated in my mind and I have to say, "guilty."  Guilty.
More than that, we had to go on a trip his mother had paid for after that. It was nice and then I got back and everything went downhill from there.  My dad and then the same old behaviors.  The same old day that comes around again and again. 
I am not dropping out of school but I have lost all determination.  I do not feel like doing the work. I don't care very much and yet, I know that to quit means more than just this one semester. It means much much more than that.  It means repeating the past and not moving on. 
I do think about dying.  I do think that things would be better for everyone but then, I am jerked awake by reality.  Like, I can't do that to the children.
.  Who would I be then?  I would be dead and even more useless.  And all those people telling me that they can do it better than me, well they can't.  I have seen it with my own eyes.  I can do it and I can be great if I try. 
I told Trulee all about how I figured out that to be anything you have to work.  It takes work work work and even as I know that's true, I don't want to work anymore.  I want to sleep all day and night and be high and numb.

Something Simoun said..

He was right and tonight it is really getting me.  No one will ever love me like he did.  It is true.  I told Adam that if I stayed with him I would never know what's it's like to be loved again and that too is true.  I can't concentrate on everything I should be doing because this horrible night keeps turning itself over and over again in my head.  I will sleep it away I suppose. 

A little too tired to write...expect choppiness.

Despite losing my bag of gummy bears, I really had an incredible day.  I so very obviously did not get the job I wanted so badly, but I suppose there are a million more out there.  It is disappointing, though.  I did not make it to my classes today and feel actually rotten about that.  I do not feel well and Simoun was so tired I did not want to drop off Holden.  Wait a minute....the more I write, the more I believe it was not an incredible day!  But I did spend time with Adam and perhaps that's what is always incredible and leaves me in bliss though there are a million storms brewing. 
I just need to write about one thing.  Glenna.  I am scared to death.  She might have cancer and if it's not cancer, it is still something bad.  This is why I sometimes hate life and don't understand anything about it.  Death belongs to everyone and while dying cannot be easy, it is the living that must suffer the most.  I do not want her to die.  I do not want to lose that incredible woman I have known for such a brief, but unfathomably rich, time in my life.  Please, please don't die, Glenna.  What a loss for humankind!  I do not even want to think about this and will never write about it again-but just a few moments ago learned about all that is wrong with her body. 
I even think of my own mother and all that plagues her.  We live and must lose, I guess.  But if our relationships are the most pertinent things in life, why must they be so fragile? 

Too many kids

My friend is having a herpes breakout.  I feel terrible for her and want to give her something for her pain.  It is something she regrets and despises about herself.  Thank the great god above I never contracted anything.  Then again, I have been careful all my life. 
But my friend's kids are here and I want to cry.  They are lying on my bed eating cheetos.  Fucking cheetos.  Really?  And I am so irritable. 
And I am using subjunctives to begin each sentence. 
My old boss wrote me and said that he wants to meet my neighbor and screw her since I will never be intimate with him.  Nice guy.  So glad I missed that boatride. 
Anyway, that's it for today.  Just too many kids. 

Sucked in

Why do I let myself fall so wholly and fantastically? Here I am. Suffocating in a love that I have no mastery of. It swallows me. It feeds me. The desire is only partially carnal because there is something else, mysterious and sublime, that submerces me. I want to be his wife and his lover and his student and I want lie and read a book in my room while he cuts his hands up working on his cars outside. Just knowing that he is here, around me, can be enough. I want to taste everything and know everything, be everything to him for him and in him. What this is has no earthly connection.
And that's enough talking about it. He leaves me wasted.
I have had three loves in my life. The first two (and should I write their names here? Why does love want to be recognized so badly? I want to write their names and tell everyone about the ocean of secrets doomed to drown so dry and dead inside the abyss of my memories. I loved them dearly and deeply. I likely caused catastrophy in their lives. I am not sorry.) conquered the childish me. The me who was still struggling for recognition. They catapulted me into adulthood. I do think that I would be a different and more satisfied person had I never met them. One of you, you know who you are, gave me unfathomable gifts and still does. When I am around him, I feel that he knows me so completely that I need him at times to help me remember who I am. We should have run away together. We should have seized those moments and done something terrible and wicked and then come back home. We would have repaired our lives back to normal but would always have these remnants of the churdish wickedness. Why didn't we do it? Why did we let those moments pass and now it's too late and will always be too late. I am in a trench of possession. I can never go back to who I was before. Adam has consumed me.
When I lie next to Adam every sound, scent, quiver, breath seizes me and I am in profound bliss. Tonight he was sleeping and I rested my face against his neck and an attack of merciless euphoria ate me up.
I am tired and suffering. It all makes me suffer. A rabid dog. Foaming at the mouth.

I am the proverbial single mom

I am writing today, after all this time, because my life has hit new levels of lows. I have been tired lately, which is a regular thing. I have a sleeping disorder that permits me to stay awake for three, often four, days in a row with no repreive. These days are highly productive, actually. I have a cleaner house and a well run family unit. But then the next phase hits and I can't stay awake. I am driving my car and I find myself falling asleep, swerving to the side, sometimes forced to sleep for ten or so minutes just so I can safely arrive at my destination. The kids believe I love to take naps but what they don't see is that while they dream away, I am busy cleaning and writing and reading for days in a row and then biologically forced to sleep for days in a row.
This is not, however, what I want to write about. This afternoon, my telephone, television and internet went off. I couldn't believe it. I paid the bill last month but it was so far behind and although I paid $400, I still owed $200. So, to burn time and perhaps even use the phone, I went over to Glenna's house (my mother in law-though I am not married) and the cop pulls me over. I thought to myself, "you can do it, Amy. Drummel up tears." And I did. I cried like my broken sprinkler in the back yard and the cop graciously says, "We are not here to punish you or harass you. We just want you safe." My ass. Well, he didn't give me a ticket and I started driving away but the tears didn't stop. In fact, they are still coming and I know they need to come and keep coming in droves. I am almost out of gas and my car has an oil leak (kinda like that same broken sprinkler in the back). I am negative-let's just round it off-$800. I broke, I am broken and I can't fathom how to get out. When I got home today I thought to myself, "Enough is enough. I am getting a full time job along with my part time job. But then, who will take care of those babies? And how will the kids do well at school? And the house will fall to pieces and maybe we will be evicted again because I can't keep the house in order." And that is why the tears don't stop. We have been eating potatoes the last two days, rotten potatoes that Simoun gave us and they are lasting. I am in the process of making homeade bread and no I don't have a bread maker. And no, I am actually an awful cook. But yes, the bread will be eaten because otherwise they will starve.
But I have a house. It isn't mine. But we can live in it until the landlords tell us to leave. And I have that car even if it does have an oil leak and is out of gas. I own that car!
And enough of being positive because I don't really give a shit about being positive. I just want things to get better. I even thought, god forgive me, that I would surely sleep with anyone who is willing to pay my bills just for sex. Is that a dream? Do men such as that really exist? Are they clean? If they have money, they have to be somewhat clean just to keep a job, right?
Oh the lows I can go.
What has really driven me to write today, however, is that my ex-husband wants to sit down and talk to me. Apparently, Eric told him that he hasn't bathed for three weeks. It's not true, of course, and I have tried and tried to make everything right and do this all by myself, but I fail. So, Shane is coming over today to give me some lessons in parenting. I wish that lonely man who wants nothing but to pay a good sum for sex would come my way.

It can only get better from here

He moved everything out of the garage. I don't believe I am ever going to try to pick up those shattered peices again. There is something terribly wrong with him.
The blog will become better from here on out. It can't be all about him anymore! He is becoming a visible memory.

Unstable passages of time

Just a trite two hours ago I was on top of the world. Now I am feeling a little low and melancholy. He is here and I have waited for him all day, wishing for little else than his presence and then we argue. I am not even sure what we argued about and it doesn't matter. I just feel less happy than before.
But ultimately, i am not going to let the melancholy linger. I can't afford it. I need him.

No help

It's disgusting. I have no power over myself. I am his slave and it's purely disgusting.

Down down down

I feel terribly depressed tonight. Aside from all the absurd Adam stuff, I have issues that decide to emerge on their own time. Like the fact that I am getting so old. Old is a terrible, filthy word. There is nothing special in that word and all they say about it is absolutely correct. I am aghast at the changes. Mostly the changes in my skin. It's a freak show. I bought $40 worth of skin saving bullshit the other day and somehow justified it all to myself. But honestly, does it really do anything spectacular? Not in this world. My skin is becoming opague and thin, "crepe" and Jen would put it. Anyone ambitious enough could actually skin me and then use my skin to wrap gifts in. It's thin, wrinkled and wow...dotted.
But I have also had children and that horror show is presenting itself as well. To make it all worse, I am virtually nowhere in my life. If I had a great job or a great house or had published a novel, I would have that save my self-esteem. As it is, I am lifeless, loveless and alone.
I suppose everyone gets here and that I shouldn't be upset. No one is exempt from all the turmoil nature inflicts. I have anticipated it for years. In my mid twenties I remember thinking that I had better achieve something great before age settles in and I lose my looks. Well, here I am and have achieved so little. I was too busy finding the right relationship and didn't focus enough on myself. I will never find the right relationship at this point. Adam won't move here because he cannot accept the children. He denies that, but it is clear in his behavior.
Well, maybe I need to refocus and find myself again. Just maybe I need to do what makes me happy and stop trying to please. I can do that. I am writing here again! That is a start.

Screech........

So, he is back. And when I look at him, I feel flushed and passionate. I want to touch him, all the time. I am weak. The other day, when Alexis decided to take pills to end her life (and predicatably failed) I gave up but never really because in my mind I know that I cannot stop. I know that the moment I set eyes on him, I will be irretrievable. But I lose myself. I have forgotten what I wanted and have become so absorbed in my spiralling emotions that everything I dreamed of before all this has dissapated. I am watching myself from the sidelines. I don't know this person that can love so relentlessly.
For certain I know that this power cannot last forever. One day the old me will slide back in place and will I regret all this time, pleasure and pain? What am I sacrificing and is it all worth the nimble highs and lows? Does it matter? Because they are out of my control anyway. But I do not want to lose what I cannot retrieve. I lost eight years with Simoun. I do not want to lose any more time.
My sister's step daughter staged a suicide attempt. I am so angry that my sister is allowing herself to stay in her relationship and that her life is so ripe with emotional and psychological disease. This little teenager is poisoning every single day of my sister's life. She is little by little becoming inalterably bitter. I imagine her as the old lady swinging on her porch swing and eyeing all the little children who pass her sidewalk. "Get off my lawn!" This is going to be the end of her if she doesn't back away and reflect on her life.
Well, back to the Spanish lessons. I am studying a little each night so that when I return to school in twelve days, I am not the class idiot. This is my last semester of my Bachelor's degree. I almost dont' give a damn. I don't care about the grades, but just want to pass.

Day Four

There is no question that I am always the last person on his mind. The abuse is the worst ever and no thought of me. Me teeth are chattering. My stomach is wrenched in a knot. I want forever away from that poison. I have made about five different dates to occupy myself. I am going to be okay but tonight is bad. Tonight is hell.
Two people this year have let me down in ways that will change my life forever. Adam and my mother. From there I have to start anew. My perceptions of them have changed irrevocably. I want to find someone to love me, to not let me down. To spend the rest of my life with. I know he is out there somewhere. Right?
I must keep telling myself it is going to get better.

Remember

I have to try and remember why we can't be together. He chose her over me. He did in more ways than one. She is nauseating and disgusting and if he is going to be a victim to her, let him. I need to meet other people. How do I do this?
She tried to kill herself, she says. I don't believe it for one instant. Anyone can kill themselves and do it quickly and thoroughly and it they fail, they weren't trying at all. I wish she would have just come out brain damaged and she wouldn't play such dangerous games. I don't feel bad for her at all, not one ounce. But what I do want is not to become one of her victims. I want both of them absolutely out of my life. I could start over. And be better.
Who could have guessed he would have so many problems? His outward appearance is of calmness and strength but in reality, he is messed up and violent, insincere and cold. I wish I would just remember that always. I wish he would go away.

Ready to search again?

I think what I need to tell myself is that I can be okay without him. That I don't have to have him and that I don't need him. It has to become solid in my brain and I think it is. My friend said tonight, "if he can't think enough to call you, you are the last thing on his mind." And he hit it with that! It was exactly what I was thinking! What I was feeling! He was with her while he was supposed to be with me. And while she "attempted suicide (whatever. There should never be an attempt but only successes)" he could have called. But he didn't. He couldn't. It's not the first time. Last night he didn't show up at all and then at 10 he called and said he was asleep. Imagine that. Annie says, "if you ask me, it's fishy." It is fishy and I am tired. Worn out. I can't remember who I am anymore. I don't value any part of myself. I need to reclaim all that I thought was important about me and I need to repulse the energy that stole that. He made me feel worthless. Even my weight wasn't right. Nothing about me was right. I kept taking all the abuse because I was out of money and needed security. But what he gave me was insecurity and criticism. I am done with all of it. I want to get through the bad heartache so that I can move on and away.
I think this time may have done it. Greg was here and Greg is so sweet and tries so hard. He would never treat me that way. Any one person who cares for me at all wouldn't treat me that way and I don't know why he does.
Give me a week to get through the bad heartache and I will be fine after that. I start school soon and will meet people. I will find myself again, I hope. I will try. I am so very lost.

Looking for anyone?

I haven't written and I can't explain why. I have suffered through some debilitating ups and downs and really haven't cared about much. I would love to think that the best writing comes through suffering but really, all suffering has done for me these last few months is hollow out my desire to do anything but get by each day.
What I find most disturbing in my life right now is that I have so little control. Adam preoccupies my every thought and when he withdraws, I want to die. When he is there and being his lovely self, I am in heaven. In fact, as far as I'm concerned, heaven is Adam. I have the strangest reactions to that name. When I hear other people say his name, it has a very physical effect on me. I think even the name holds a mystical power. If that isn't love, there is no such thing.
But we have some terrible problems. The worst is just that I am unsure of him adjusting to living with a large family. I am not confident that he will like it. Those who know me, know that I haven't believed in marriage for anything but the tax deduction but with Adam, I find myself pressuring him to marry him. Have I lost my mind? Do I care if I have lost my mind? Not really.
Well, I am tired. I will try and write more. It should be something I do every single night and I will get back on the writing train because without writing...I don't really know who I am. I reject a huge part of what puts me together when I neglect writing. I have kept journals since I could write and these last few years have left me wondering who I am. I will find it again. Through this blog.