Looking for anyone?

I haven't written and I can't explain why. I have suffered through some debilitating ups and downs and really haven't cared about much. I would love to think that the best writing comes through suffering but really, all suffering has done for me these last few months is hollow out my desire to do anything but get by each day.
What I find most disturbing in my life right now is that I have so little control. Adam preoccupies my every thought and when he withdraws, I want to die. When he is there and being his lovely self, I am in heaven. In fact, as far as I'm concerned, heaven is Adam. I have the strangest reactions to that name. When I hear other people say his name, it has a very physical effect on me. I think even the name holds a mystical power. If that isn't love, there is no such thing.
But we have some terrible problems. The worst is just that I am unsure of him adjusting to living with a large family. I am not confident that he will like it. Those who know me, know that I haven't believed in marriage for anything but the tax deduction but with Adam, I find myself pressuring him to marry him. Have I lost my mind? Do I care if I have lost my mind? Not really.
Well, I am tired. I will try and write more. It should be something I do every single night and I will get back on the writing train because without writing...I don't really know who I am. I reject a huge part of what puts me together when I neglect writing. I have kept journals since I could write and these last few years have left me wondering who I am. I will find it again. Through this blog.