It can only get better from here

He moved everything out of the garage. I don't believe I am ever going to try to pick up those shattered peices again. There is something terribly wrong with him.
The blog will become better from here on out. It can't be all about him anymore! He is becoming a visible memory.

Unstable passages of time

Just a trite two hours ago I was on top of the world. Now I am feeling a little low and melancholy. He is here and I have waited for him all day, wishing for little else than his presence and then we argue. I am not even sure what we argued about and it doesn't matter. I just feel less happy than before.
But ultimately, i am not going to let the melancholy linger. I can't afford it. I need him.

No help

It's disgusting. I have no power over myself. I am his slave and it's purely disgusting.

Down down down

I feel terribly depressed tonight. Aside from all the absurd Adam stuff, I have issues that decide to emerge on their own time. Like the fact that I am getting so old. Old is a terrible, filthy word. There is nothing special in that word and all they say about it is absolutely correct. I am aghast at the changes. Mostly the changes in my skin. It's a freak show. I bought $40 worth of skin saving bullshit the other day and somehow justified it all to myself. But honestly, does it really do anything spectacular? Not in this world. My skin is becoming opague and thin, "crepe" and Jen would put it. Anyone ambitious enough could actually skin me and then use my skin to wrap gifts in. It's thin, wrinkled and wow...dotted.
But I have also had children and that horror show is presenting itself as well. To make it all worse, I am virtually nowhere in my life. If I had a great job or a great house or had published a novel, I would have that save my self-esteem. As it is, I am lifeless, loveless and alone.
I suppose everyone gets here and that I shouldn't be upset. No one is exempt from all the turmoil nature inflicts. I have anticipated it for years. In my mid twenties I remember thinking that I had better achieve something great before age settles in and I lose my looks. Well, here I am and have achieved so little. I was too busy finding the right relationship and didn't focus enough on myself. I will never find the right relationship at this point. Adam won't move here because he cannot accept the children. He denies that, but it is clear in his behavior.
Well, maybe I need to refocus and find myself again. Just maybe I need to do what makes me happy and stop trying to please. I can do that. I am writing here again! That is a start.

Screech........

So, he is back. And when I look at him, I feel flushed and passionate. I want to touch him, all the time. I am weak. The other day, when Alexis decided to take pills to end her life (and predicatably failed) I gave up but never really because in my mind I know that I cannot stop. I know that the moment I set eyes on him, I will be irretrievable. But I lose myself. I have forgotten what I wanted and have become so absorbed in my spiralling emotions that everything I dreamed of before all this has dissapated. I am watching myself from the sidelines. I don't know this person that can love so relentlessly.
For certain I know that this power cannot last forever. One day the old me will slide back in place and will I regret all this time, pleasure and pain? What am I sacrificing and is it all worth the nimble highs and lows? Does it matter? Because they are out of my control anyway. But I do not want to lose what I cannot retrieve. I lost eight years with Simoun. I do not want to lose any more time.
My sister's step daughter staged a suicide attempt. I am so angry that my sister is allowing herself to stay in her relationship and that her life is so ripe with emotional and psychological disease. This little teenager is poisoning every single day of my sister's life. She is little by little becoming inalterably bitter. I imagine her as the old lady swinging on her porch swing and eyeing all the little children who pass her sidewalk. "Get off my lawn!" This is going to be the end of her if she doesn't back away and reflect on her life.
Well, back to the Spanish lessons. I am studying a little each night so that when I return to school in twelve days, I am not the class idiot. This is my last semester of my Bachelor's degree. I almost dont' give a damn. I don't care about the grades, but just want to pass.

Day Four

There is no question that I am always the last person on his mind. The abuse is the worst ever and no thought of me. Me teeth are chattering. My stomach is wrenched in a knot. I want forever away from that poison. I have made about five different dates to occupy myself. I am going to be okay but tonight is bad. Tonight is hell.
Two people this year have let me down in ways that will change my life forever. Adam and my mother. From there I have to start anew. My perceptions of them have changed irrevocably. I want to find someone to love me, to not let me down. To spend the rest of my life with. I know he is out there somewhere. Right?
I must keep telling myself it is going to get better.

Remember

I have to try and remember why we can't be together. He chose her over me. He did in more ways than one. She is nauseating and disgusting and if he is going to be a victim to her, let him. I need to meet other people. How do I do this?
She tried to kill herself, she says. I don't believe it for one instant. Anyone can kill themselves and do it quickly and thoroughly and it they fail, they weren't trying at all. I wish she would have just come out brain damaged and she wouldn't play such dangerous games. I don't feel bad for her at all, not one ounce. But what I do want is not to become one of her victims. I want both of them absolutely out of my life. I could start over. And be better.
Who could have guessed he would have so many problems? His outward appearance is of calmness and strength but in reality, he is messed up and violent, insincere and cold. I wish I would just remember that always. I wish he would go away.

Ready to search again?

I think what I need to tell myself is that I can be okay without him. That I don't have to have him and that I don't need him. It has to become solid in my brain and I think it is. My friend said tonight, "if he can't think enough to call you, you are the last thing on his mind." And he hit it with that! It was exactly what I was thinking! What I was feeling! He was with her while he was supposed to be with me. And while she "attempted suicide (whatever. There should never be an attempt but only successes)" he could have called. But he didn't. He couldn't. It's not the first time. Last night he didn't show up at all and then at 10 he called and said he was asleep. Imagine that. Annie says, "if you ask me, it's fishy." It is fishy and I am tired. Worn out. I can't remember who I am anymore. I don't value any part of myself. I need to reclaim all that I thought was important about me and I need to repulse the energy that stole that. He made me feel worthless. Even my weight wasn't right. Nothing about me was right. I kept taking all the abuse because I was out of money and needed security. But what he gave me was insecurity and criticism. I am done with all of it. I want to get through the bad heartache so that I can move on and away.
I think this time may have done it. Greg was here and Greg is so sweet and tries so hard. He would never treat me that way. Any one person who cares for me at all wouldn't treat me that way and I don't know why he does.
Give me a week to get through the bad heartache and I will be fine after that. I start school soon and will meet people. I will find myself again, I hope. I will try. I am so very lost.