Let it die. Leave it alone. Let it go for good. It hurts but it won't always. I hate to think that he hurts but it's time to stop. It is done.
I am so sad. I cannot do anything but remain in this sadness. It is immovable. Impermeable. But it too will diminish.
How long will it take for it to die all the way? How long does it take? I hope it does not take another year of my life.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
The Inevitable
Tomorrow I go to court for my citations. One for assualt and the other for verbal abuse in front of a child. I am furious and resigned. Adam raised his fist to me, said, "I want to punch you in the face" so I backhanded him in the eye. Left a giant welp and even a small, tan bruise that lasted for a couple of days. But I think about it and feel betrayed and tricked. After the hit, he grabs his phone and repeats, "You're going to jail now. Oh yeah. Their going to get you." So he calls and the dumbass has it all recorded on his iphone for the authorities to hear. They gave him a citation as well and told me that no woman should be talked to that way. They still slapped me with two charges but told me to get out of the relationship forever.
Right now I am full of anxiety and fear. I have to go, I know, but over what? And do I say guilty because he set me up for that, threatened to punch me, called me horrible things that I no longer want repeated in my mind and I have to say, "guilty." Guilty.
More than that, we had to go on a trip his mother had paid for after that. It was nice and then I got back and everything went downhill from there. My dad and then the same old behaviors. The same old day that comes around again and again.
I am not dropping out of school but I have lost all determination. I do not feel like doing the work. I don't care very much and yet, I know that to quit means more than just this one semester. It means much much more than that. It means repeating the past and not moving on.
I do think about dying. I do think that things would be better for everyone but then, I am jerked awake by reality. Like, I can't do that to the children.
. Who would I be then? I would be dead and even more useless. And all those people telling me that they can do it better than me, well they can't. I have seen it with my own eyes. I can do it and I can be great if I try.
I told Trulee all about how I figured out that to be anything you have to work. It takes work work work and even as I know that's true, I don't want to work anymore. I want to sleep all day and night and be high and numb.
Right now I am full of anxiety and fear. I have to go, I know, but over what? And do I say guilty because he set me up for that, threatened to punch me, called me horrible things that I no longer want repeated in my mind and I have to say, "guilty." Guilty.
More than that, we had to go on a trip his mother had paid for after that. It was nice and then I got back and everything went downhill from there. My dad and then the same old behaviors. The same old day that comes around again and again.
I am not dropping out of school but I have lost all determination. I do not feel like doing the work. I don't care very much and yet, I know that to quit means more than just this one semester. It means much much more than that. It means repeating the past and not moving on.
I do think about dying. I do think that things would be better for everyone but then, I am jerked awake by reality. Like, I can't do that to the children.
. Who would I be then? I would be dead and even more useless. And all those people telling me that they can do it better than me, well they can't. I have seen it with my own eyes. I can do it and I can be great if I try.
I told Trulee all about how I figured out that to be anything you have to work. It takes work work work and even as I know that's true, I don't want to work anymore. I want to sleep all day and night and be high and numb.
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