Inhale

I inhale
long and deep
Tasting every subtle sinew
Sizzling fats, veins
Snapping bursts of flames;
Panting dragon
Enter
Into my soul
Finger the delicate secrets
The sensuous arcs
and pulsing agile shadows
Expertly darting through your fingers
Like silver guppies
I pause
Implode

Exhale.

The Drugs

Kurt took me home last night and we stopped and looked at my car.  It's a goner.  Won't start.  I think Adam (and I know nothing about cars) destroyed the fuel pump by letting it run completely of out gas.  It is really hard not having a car and living all the way out in never never land.  It is really difficult to have to move and not have a car to move anything with.  I need someone to bring my dead car back to life.  Without costing me any more money.  I lack two things:  money and time.  Especially when $400 was taken out of my account and used to buy drugs (that he left in my car.  Did I write that yet?  He is desperate to get them back.  It is really disgusting). 
I am not really speaking with Adam right now and have, maybe for the first time, absolutely no desire to speak with him.  I have come to the conclusion that asshole really is a bad person!  I thought that the drugs made him bad....but I kept saying to him yesterday, "make the right decision.  Give the drugs back."  I don't tell him I know that he took them from his grandmother.  His mother made me promise not to.  But at any rate, I am going to give them back to his grandmother. 
So, if I never talk to him again, I would be fine.  Except that I have Max.  He needs his dad.  Even if his dad is a total piece of garbage. 
There are a lot of men in my life.  And I like so many of them.  I am going to start dating the ones I like again and fuck Adam (not literally).  He is nothing to me anymore but a big problem.  If he would be the good person I thought he was, it would be fine.  But it appears he's not. 

Deeeeeflation

I am feeling a little depressed today.  Maybe even a lot.  Maybe even so much that I am struggling getting through this day.  Not to mention that I don't have a car and don't know when I am going to get it back.  Adam called me trying to act nice and sweet but I told him I am not giving him back his drugs and he suddenly became a colossal ass.  He really needs to go back to jail and remain there.  I am so much happier when I don't have him around to ruin my life.  He doesn't care about my car or me or maybe even his son. 

But I have bigger fish to fry.  For this new house, the landlord wants the old landlord information.  If I give him that info, I won't get in the house. 

I MISS my crappy car.  I will not have the money to fix it either.  Kurt (as usual) is going to help me.  He is not really what you would call "car savvy" but he's smart and could probably figure something out.  Adam was meeting me downstairs during my lunch break but I stood him up and decided I would rather lie back agains the cold cement wall than go and meet him.  He was going to get my keys and work on my car.  But fuck him.  Serioulsy, Fuck.  Him. 

The Plot Thickens

He stole $380 out of my account and that's bad.  But yesterday when he was supposed to pick me up from work he never showed up.  And then he calls about an hour later and says my car is dead because it ran out of gas.  I try to find him and it takes forever because he says he is one place but he's not so I go to another and he's not there either.  And I can hear him begging money off of people on teh phone (he forgets I am on the phone when he is too high for idle telephone chat) for a drink and Max screaming his head off in the background.  So, after much confused and nonsensical telephone conversations I find him standing on a corner.  I see Max with him and as I get closer I cannot believe what I see.  Max is filthy, head to toe, not wearing any shoes.  He looked like a kid off the street.  When I get closer, I go to pick him up and his diaper has leaked right through his clothes. 
Oh but it gets better.  I am yelling at Adam,  and we walk around the corner to where my dead car is.  The side mirror is utterly destroyed.  Shattered.  And I go to start the car and there is no heartbeat, no response.  He has killed my car.  I am livid at this point and Adam says, "Fuck you bitch."  Flips me off and that's the last of it. 
So, I call Kurt and he picks me up.  He mostly hates me because I have ignored him the last few weeks and acted as though he's not really been a huge part of my life for the last two years.  But he is hard for me to be around because he loves women too much (mostly their breasts) and is also ridiculously uptight. 
While I am waiting in the food court for Kurt to show up, Max begins a heartbeaking and terrifying tantrum.  He bit me and slapped me in the eyes.  People were staring and shaking their heads.  I was very calm but after a half hour or so, I began to break down and couldn't hold the tears back any longer.  As a long time, far weathered mother, I know that kids don't act that way becuase of their age.  It's because they have no other way to express their emotion. 
In walked Kurt to my rescue much to his chagrin and my own. 
Adam's mom calls me that night and while I am not sure why at first, it soon becomes clear.  He has stolen money from her purse and muscle relaxers from his grandmother.  I tell her what he has done to me (basically making the homeless life even closer to a breathing, living reality) and all the peices come together. 
This morning Kurt takes me to my beat up car and helps me put gas in the car and I find two checks in his other grandmother's name (who is young 80 years old).  Stealing from his grandmothers!  How low can it go.  But I am sure my checks have been rigorously shuffled through as well so I have to go and close my account.  That has not nearly enough money for anything anymore. 
So thus is life.  Lesson learned?  That I am about as trusting as a baby cow.  I am sad for Adam.  Inside that man is actually a pretty good guy who is fun, ambitious and smart (sort of).  But he loves drugs more than anyone or anything and that is what fully commands every peice of him. 

He Stole My Money.

I want to say...again....but how much of a putz will I look like?  He took $280 despite knowing that I am about to be homeless and my car isn't registered and no food and blah blah blah.  I am a colossal idiot.  I need to take control of my life and stop seeing that bastard.  I even called him about it and he handed the phone over to his grandma who went on and on about how her boyfriend that died (which is very sad, of course, and I automatroned my neverending sorrys to her) so that he could get away to the bathroom and avoid my calls. 
I am stuck here at work, talking to people who are hateful and disgruntled, and I am churning inside.  I am broked and need that money so badly that it physically aches. 
I want him to change so much and he won't...he won't..he won't.  Yes, I sound like "one of those."  I have become one of those women. 

My Day Off

I woke up yesterday and just couldn't gather enough guption to actually go into work.  So, I stayed home.  If I had gone to work as usual, I would not have found the eviction notice on my counter!  I had three days to respond to it and it was the last day.  Apparently Michael had signed for the papers on the 19th and forogt to tell me.  So, I panicked.  Adam was with me and was more than irritated at my alarm.  I took him home and used his internet and phone (my phone has been lost for nearly a week now).  I made a few calls and plans and was actually extremely scatterbrained.  I said to Adam, "If I have ever needed your help, it is right now."  Guess...oh just guess...what this gem did!  He said, "I have to clean up and have things I have to get done so...no."  Then he put the baby in the car and walked away.  I cired all the home and not because my kids and I might be on the street, but because I never felt more alone in my life.  I am tired of feeling alone!  I don't mind being an independant woman, really, but sometimes the fear and the isolation are too enormous and too powerful.  But I made an appointment to see a house and put down a downpayment.  Was very relieved and felt hope for this first time in three months. 

And then I came into work today and saw the email from the potential new landlord.  I will copy and paste it: 

Amy,

After looking at your income and responsibilities closer and agonizing over night, I have decided that your income is not adequate and therefore I will have to reject your application. I am truly sorry. I can mail you your check or drop it off late tonight after 9:30.  I will not be home until then. Or make other arrangements.     

Respectfully,

Rick

Where one door closes, another door opens and then gets slammed shut again. 

So, welcome to my life.  Homeless?  Maybe.  With six kids in tow. 

It really was a good day

My dad wrote me a long email about how I have "The Stockholm Syndrome."  So, I am a vicitim of abuse and that "his (Adams')" approval to me means everything but once I actually get it, I will find him a disgusting and vile man. 
But....it's just not true. 
First of all, he is not so much abusive anymore.  He is off of the drugs (mostly) and no longer makes people suffer from his rages.  No rages.  No fits of illogical anger.  It's all gone.  He has lost everyone, all of his family and friends.  Secondly, I just enjoy being around him.  Yesterday we went to Lagoon and it was fun.  Just very fun.  Period.  So fun that it isn't even interesting to write about!  Who wants to hear about someone else having loads of fun? 
I have thought about this Stokholm Syndrome before and what really bothers me is that I think I have never really loved anyone before and that perhaps this is the first time.  So, if it is merely a syndrome...well, that is sad and with already feeling that life is an unburied tomb, this just sucks.  I pray to god that it isn't an unhealthy syndrome. 
I will use this blog to keep count.  To keep count of how many days will pass before I find him cheating or lying (most likely both).  I will use this meaningless blog to document myself and determine if I am suffering from a delusion. 

I'm a Dummy

To wife, "Could you hold on while I talk to this dummy on the phone?" 

I hate people. 

Broken in Body and Mind

And no, that does not refer to me.  It refers to Adam sitting in the chair on the porch last night, asleep (more like extremely high) and hanging like a broken branch.  He was incoherent, he was cruel and good lord, he can put it away.  Before, when he was just a regular drug addict, he would never eat.  He was walking skin and bones.  Now, he is plump.  I like it.  But it is nevertheless shocking.  To make everything worse, I put it down pretty well last night too.  I can't stop eating when it's angel hair pasta and I ate it with a shovel so my stomach hurt all night (the proverbial American life!)  Well, I couldn't sleep and he was out on the porch for hours, hanging, like a corpse.  I don't know how his body handles it.  I laid my head on his chest and listened to his heart beat and it was too hard and too fast.  It scares me. 
I went to Brooke's because Adam stomped away mad (after being on the phone with his exgirlfriend for ten minutes and I was upset) and she said something that was all too true and clear.  We were sitting on her porch and she had apparently seen him walking frantically down the sidewalk with that stupid phone in his hand.  Well, she looked over at me and said, "Amy, I want to call the police on him."  I said, "He has warrants out for his arrest and he WILL go to jail."  After I said it I thought about how nice, really, that would be.  How when he is in jail, I am mostly happy and do great things with my life.  When he is around, I suffer.  I always suffer.  He cheats.  He lies.  He uses.  He is cruel. 
Yet, I still love him.  I guess that makes me co-dependant.  As broken as he is. 
Nonetheless, I have my vices.  My own coping methods. 
I know that I will forgive him again and take him back and that I will be miserable for the whole of my life because of that decision.  It's as though...dear god...I am a fucking trainwreck.  The tracks aren't quite aligned for me.  They never have been.   

Working and Writing

I am sitting here at work and to make the day go by faster, I am writing to "said person" dirty little notes.  How pathetic.  Because in truth, in physicality, I am not so alluring anymore.  I am getting too old.  And while, in most ways I am a better lover than I ever have been, I am also not as attractive anymore. 
I am doing these things because (gasp) I picked up Adam's phone and saw him texting the two main girls he is utterly unable to do without.  In response, I have done a few stupid and bad things.  Honest to God, when I saw the messages earlier I thought to myself, I don't care.  Whatever.  And then I get here and do stupid asinine things.  Like write Deric.  It will always be this way as long as I am with Adam.  I know that.  I also know that another man loves me very much and would make me very happy.  I am stupid.  Like my sister says, "of course you'll make the wrong decision."  Oh that and I'm a has-been.  With withering self esteem and social value. 
Depression is a time consuming ordeal that leads to nowhere.  But it can be productive.  On the one hand, I understand that now if I do not make anything further of my life, I am as good as dead and buried.  But again, what do I have to give?  I have great soap opera stories and disturbing drama. 
As this day drags on, I get more and more upset.  And stupid.  No better combination in the world. 

My Laughing Sons

Adam is playing with the two boys. They are loving it, getting tired and being happy which in turn makes me happy. But I am tired and have had a long day with body aches and stuffiness. I think it's Nyquil time. So tired.

It's been too long since I have posted.  And anyway, I have decided that maybe having an online journal where my soul is poured out for general public is a little egotistical.  While my life is nothing short of a lurid soap opera, who really wants to know?  According to the blog statistics, I don't get many hits these days...and maybe never really have so...
Well things have changed, as they always do.  I have had more than enough boyfriends and more than enough insipid dates.  I have had more than enough visits from CPS.  Oh yes, child protective services.  Someone continues to call them and allegate the stupidest, far fetched things.  Like I am snorting Oxy's with my daughter.  And I can't wait to get rid of my children...it goes on and on.  26 this last time.  I laughed (but actually cried) when the social worker was laying it out in front of me.  Who wants to cause me pain?  Who wants me to lose my children?  Who is the person who would put my children through another questionarre?  And these cases...keep getting dismissed with no supporting evidence and yet, they tell me they have to invastigate the allegations.  It's the law.  The law.  I am exhuasted with it. 
But, in truth, I have been seeing Adam every day now since he has been out of jail.  I enjoy my time with him. I am comfortable with him and while I don't feel that overpowering weakness that brought me to my knees before, I just like being around him.  I don't trust him and would be crushed if he were seeing other girls...which I am fairly certain he is.  But is so many ways I don't care.  I just can't. 
I was also evicted from my home last month.  Financial ruin.  No child support.  No money.  But I am glad we are moving.  It feels like a fresh start.  I don't mind starting over though I wish I were starting over and reversing the last three years. 
All this and I am absolutely brimming with discontent.