Tact

I keep letting myself go back and I should stop now. There are ways-like losing weight-it will take some self sacrifice but it will be good in the end. It is the end I am worried about. There will come a day when He leaves, goes his own way, perhaps he is already, and one day it will all come out and I can only imagine the devastation. It will be horrific! It will be more than I am willing to go through ever again. I just don’t understand why he owns my heart and soul like this anyway. I will venture to guess that had I the chance to spend a life with him it would have been agony.
Tonight I spent time with an ex-love. It is always a strange experience. At first I stand away. I feel reluctant to come near him-but as the time passes, I find myself touching him more and getting closer. It’s natural. There is a force lying dormant in my head, all the old feelings, and they force their way through after an hour or so. I did love him after all. I had a child with him and when we last spoke fifteen years ago, it was painful and full of regret. I did not believe he loved me, that anyone could love me, and I have found after all these years that he did.
And I suppose I feel the same way now! Toward the one. I feel he doesn’t and in truth, he doesn’t. I keep the lie alive because I cannot tear myself away but I know the ending of this saga! I must break away now. Excruciating!!!

The Plant Man

I am wickedly unhappy tonight. I am confused about everything. Unsure of what or who I want. Where I am going. I can't seem to focus on anyone or anything. As if I have unpacked my suitcase but have nowhere to put my things. Because I sometimes, most times don't want to be here. I want to be with him but most days I hear nothing from him and I can't help but think: if he really cared...if he really loved me, he would write. He wouldn't be able to help himself. That's how I feel.
My dad writes and says; Amy, be good to Simoun. When you say things it hurts him. When you disregard him, it hurts him. I think, I know that dad. I know. Why does no one watch out for me, dad? What about all the times he hurt me? What about my life that he's wasted? Because he can't pick up the pieces of himself that were loosened all his life and now he can't move anywhere. He sits idly, cutting plants, feeling sorry for himself and my life....my goals have had to change in order to meet his deficiencies.
What about that.
I know I have made some bad decisions with my own life, but I am still here and still hold my dreams close. Most days I feel they will remain just that; empty, unfulfilled dreams, but then when something changes, when I glimpse myself living another life, a tangible change, I know this is not fate but rather a malleable, unmolded world.
I wonder though if I don't believe that HE is that key. Is it HE I depend on? He who never writes. Who I will always love and never have. Yes! I believe that's it. Otherwise, my life stupidly, placcidly moves along.

The Bishop

Well then. The euphoria never lasts long. It comes and goes before I know what has struck. So, I began my descent back last night. I am certainly not so certain that all is doom, hahaha, but I am certain that happiness is purely mythical. I suppose it seems that way for most people. I have never really known anyone who confesses to happiness. There is always something to be unhappy about, right? Anyway, when you are mostly a stay at home mom, confined in a house that swarms with dust and bugs and loud, buzzing noises, there are many little things to cause consternation.
Given that and the fact that there is a perpetual cloud of doom named Simoun spewing out sighs and grievances whenever he can, life does take a nosedive.
This man across the street, he bitterly detests me. He has seen Adam at my house and he loves Simoun. Maybe he views Simoun as one who needs to be saved, which he is! And the man across the street was a bishop of the Mormon church...

Those people. The people. Him.

I love him more than anything I have ever loved before. I know bliss. I know what it is to love someone more than life, more than anything. He will always be my truth and without him, I believe I cannot exist anymore but would wither away into the dry, bitter earth that is reality without love.
But it can be dreadfully painful. I live a double life, really. While my thoughts are always wrapped around him, I live outside in the everyday world. He is my mind and my soul but I live most days without his touch. It devastates me and sometimes I am irreconciably melancholy.
It was a good day. I got my birthday wish and I learned so many things. In the class I am taking, I always walk away with my head in the clouds. It targets the questioins that have morally and even physically agrravated me since childhood. It's funny how sometimes you meet people and immediately know there is a kinship. I felt that way with Adam and I felt that way with my professor. She is incredible and has been through unbelievable experiences with the church. To know her personally feels too good to be true. It's like knowing the queen of England or something.
I would say that the two most influential people I have ever known I have met in these last two years. Well, wait. Jen is one as well and I have known her over 5! Anyway, these people are utterly priceless to me.
Am I writing me and I too much? I believe so.
But the blog is about me, right? So, maybe that's okay. This isn't a blog. This is my public journal that I really suspect will never be read by anyone. But there is so much pleasure in just opening this page and seeing my writing so prettily solid on the page. If I died tomorrow, this would be far more tangible than the 7 or so diaries that lie on the shelves downstairs.
I suppose that's enough for one day. I just love him. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone. And it feels good to tell the world-though no one listens.

Today and tomorrow and tomorrow

Little things. Little things make me miserable. Little things that pile up and make an enormous mountain! Here is the poem I wrote in class today:

I am dead already
Not a sinew moves
Perhaps a twitch here and there
now and then
It's your golden finger
Your listless love
That presses shards
Into what's already dead
Let me free
From your flaccid arms.

Well, that's utterly unedited and really, I am never going to revisit that poem so the suckiness will stick. Anyway, it's a purely emotional jam. Nothing real maybe.

Every day is this day

Well, let me begin by compiling a list of wrongs:
Brooke dumped her kids on me and I had a difficult assignment due. Simoun left, leaving me alone with 8 kids (there were 12 before) and I was attempting this assignment full of shit I can't remember or seem to employ properly. Michael hits the baby's head on a metal bar and the baby screams while I try to tell the other kids to get their pajamas on (they don't listen). After some point I scream because no one will listen. Josh is downstairs crying because his mom is taking too long. She left them here for a "booty call" who said something about him being premature because she was just too tight like I give a damn. I really don't care about the elasticity of her nethers and furthermore, I really don't want to hear it since I have six children myself and those words are ancient history for me. Bitch.
Well, then my boyfriend of eight years...let me begin a new list....
Screamed at me for being mad that someone let thirty nasty flies in the house.
Embarassed me in front of his boys because of it (very very common theme)
Got upset because Adam is taking his baby and I said it's a better atmosphere for children than tight Brooke's dirty house
Screamed at Eric for taking something he didn't.
He hates me. He loves me. He mostly hates me.
And I hate this life of mine. If I had known, if someone had given me a wink or a sigh that indicated the shit that was to become my future, I would have killed myself long ago. But it's too late for that now. I must stay here and put up with an angry bastard, love another and be perpetually walked on by my drunk and incompetent neighbor.
And now back to my studies. My brain rejects the information I am attempting to put into it. But at least I am dumping something into it.

I do this because I never write these days and I don't feel myself. There is a warehouse of emotion in my head with nothing to do but rust and fester. Vermin. Vermin in my head. I suppose if anyone should blog, I should. There is enough to write about given the misjudgements (not really misjudgements, just bad descisions) I have experienced. I want to write more. I want to live again. At the moment I float in a limbo of sorts. A place with no resolution but perhaps daily doubts and pains. The first thing I must put down is that I want what this is to end. I want him to leave me so that I can move on. I must move on with the one person who is filled with enough hate to fill the souls of a legion, but I have built so much life around him. I don't love him much these days but perhaps I can again. I want to be free. I want to believe in life again, though this time with less trust and more sincerity.
Here I can write the one name that throws me into panic and hopelessness. Ah, Alexis. I do wish you would leave this scene of mine. Forever.