My Laughing Sons

Adam is playing with the two boys. They are loving it, getting tired and being happy which in turn makes me happy. But I am tired and have had a long day with body aches and stuffiness. I think it's Nyquil time. So tired.

It's been too long since I have posted.  And anyway, I have decided that maybe having an online journal where my soul is poured out for general public is a little egotistical.  While my life is nothing short of a lurid soap opera, who really wants to know?  According to the blog statistics, I don't get many hits these days...and maybe never really have so...
Well things have changed, as they always do.  I have had more than enough boyfriends and more than enough insipid dates.  I have had more than enough visits from CPS.  Oh yes, child protective services.  Someone continues to call them and allegate the stupidest, far fetched things.  Like I am snorting Oxy's with my daughter.  And I can't wait to get rid of my children...it goes on and on.  26 this last time.  I laughed (but actually cried) when the social worker was laying it out in front of me.  Who wants to cause me pain?  Who wants me to lose my children?  Who is the person who would put my children through another questionarre?  And these cases...keep getting dismissed with no supporting evidence and yet, they tell me they have to invastigate the allegations.  It's the law.  The law.  I am exhuasted with it. 
But, in truth, I have been seeing Adam every day now since he has been out of jail.  I enjoy my time with him. I am comfortable with him and while I don't feel that overpowering weakness that brought me to my knees before, I just like being around him.  I don't trust him and would be crushed if he were seeing other girls...which I am fairly certain he is.  But is so many ways I don't care.  I just can't. 
I was also evicted from my home last month.  Financial ruin.  No child support.  No money.  But I am glad we are moving.  It feels like a fresh start.  I don't mind starting over though I wish I were starting over and reversing the last three years. 
All this and I am absolutely brimming with discontent. 

Protective Services

They came to my house today to ask how long I have had the baby.  I have to prove to them that I have had full custody of Max since he was born.  I never thought I would have had to prove something as clear as that.  But Adam, no low is too low, and he lied to the court that he has had full custody of the baby since he was born.  I am terrified of all of this and want it to end.  I would like to be able to move on with my life and somehow gain my footing again.  Maybe not again....that is a misnomer if there ever was one.

But one thing is for certain.  I no longer have any feelings for Adam.  I have no desire to see him.  That part of me is dead.  Something has worked for me.  That the mystery attraction has been swiped clear and clean.  I almost hate him, but not really.  I really hate his mother more.  All because she acted so benign and sweet and all along had no hesitation to walk into the courtroom and scream at me and try to tell the judge that I do not love or care for my child.  Yes, I hate Glenna.  Adam, nothing.  Not even a trace of my former self.  I am only angry at myself for letting him back in to reap the havoc he did. 

He has made me into a monstrous, bi polar, crazy leper to the law.  They all talk to me like I am talking at them straight from my ass.  Adam, the lovely charmer, has won the law!  And yet, he is out of his mind and lies like Satan.  But they love him.  They want to believe him and maybe it is my sardonic demeanor or just that I have black hair that they really have done an out of this world job to demean me into a punching, lying criminal.  I supposedly punched Adam in the face while I was holding the baby.  And they beleived every word.  They even laughed and joked around with him in the driveway while I was sobbing in the house with my head in my hands. 

No.  No more.  I am starting to cry again.  I cannot go there. 

Actually, maybe Adam really is Satan.  It is somehow very logical and likely. 

I am tired after this.  Even this much writing.  At least I am not crying for the moment. 

It Got Worse?

And to think....I was seriously upset and downsodden in those last posts?  It has gotten so much wose than all of that.  To re read it (something I swore not to do, and now I know why) is devastating.  Six weeks ago he ran down the sidewalk with the baby and I have seen Max only twice since then.  We are battling in court....terrible things are being said....Glenna and I can barely tolerate each other...Adam is a ruthless, violent lair and I saw all of this long ago.  I was utterly blinded for whatever reason and am not wholly unattached from that, even now.  I was supposed to see Max this weekend and they denied me.  They are lowe class and it is clear as sunlight now. 

I have to get things done.  The kids start school tomorrow.  I have spent so much money on haircuts, school supplies, clothes....but I miss my son so very bad.  I miss him and my heart hurts like mad. 

I will try and get everything together.  I am working hard to get things together for the kids and the home and all of it.  Just together.  Once that has been accomplished, things will improve. 

More Writing

The great thing about my life becoming obliterated is that I write more.  Once I find peace again, I will have nothing to say about anything other than fruity things such as: I felt a deep spiritual energy while trying to speak to Buffy the other night.  If I were reading something like that I would certainly move on and disregard the writer as a reject.  I really did feel Buffy's energy while the other night.  It was as though the room lightened and a sooth calming came over me.  My sister is living with me and I need help in helping her.  It can get stressful at times and I am worried about how her living here will expand my already starved budget.  She gets very annoyed and crazy with the kids but then offers a bright smile after realizing she lost her temper.  It makes me laugh.  She is never mean, just tempermental. 
I do feel a better calm today, however slight.  I talked to my mother yesterday as I knew she would be the one who could understand why I can't seem to leave Adam no matter what does.  She told me what she told me when everyone demanded I give Andellyn up for adoption, "Only you know how you feel and you can never live your life by anyones opinion but your own." 
Still I am taking things day by day and that seems to work every other day or so. 

The Weekend

What would you expect my blog to say about my weekend?  That it was phenomenal?  Oh yes, it was super.  I found out that Adam was two timing me the whole time(golly, who knew?  I mean could anyone have predicted that he might not be a faithful man?).  It was traumatic.  Then Holden was lost (the neighbors gratuitously took him to church and I had to call the police because I had no clue).  Max drank poison.  Lucky he was fine and no true symptoms of pain other than "ow,,ow..ow".  Pretty much maxed out the super shit lever on the grid.  More later. 

It Might Be Official

I think a nrevous breakdown is immenent.  I do not know how much longer I can keep up this (well it was) benign facade.  I just yelled at my sister and my father is feeding my family such horseshit that she said I sounded like drug addict.  Perhaps a more logical and correct "sound" is that I need, want desperately desire help.  My dad dumped my sister that I barely know here on my doorstep for me to save.  I cannot do this.  I can barely keep up with my own children and now I am supposed to save another that was destroyed by her gaurdian and who, by the way, was fed with a fucking silver spoon in her mouth, with additives and perservatives that I will never enjoy in my life.  She has traveled the world, gone to elect schools, wears expensive makeup and has encountered prestigious and famous people.  I have not lived at all compared to all that.  I have lived, eaten, bathed and fucked in rat hole where I will die.  I am supposed to take care of her and show how "the real world" I suppose but in reality I am breaking down into tiny bits.  Like a movie I saw when I was a little girl where a woman got into a car crash and her face and body fell into little tiny pieces all over the car floor.  That's me.  I have no one.  I know Adam doesnt love me.  I know no one will hold me straight when my back breaks.  And I have to take care of another as though I am Jesus the Christ himself.  I cried to my dad, told him I couldn't do it, that I am too private, that I need to take care of my children, that I am on parole, that it means one  of my kids won't have a bedroom, that I am an emotional fucking TRAINWRECK and yet she is dumped on my doorstep and smiles while she waves bye bye to daddy poo who left her here. 
I will not talk to my father when this is over.  She might be here for years.  I will attempt to lie in my bed and find solace in dreams and made up fantasies or maybe I will zone out on the drugs my sister thinks I am on and waste away while my sister eats my food and greases up my kitchen floor. 
I hope this ends soon.  If I ask her to leave I will be demonized, cruel and heartless.  I think that may be who I wish I were right now.