Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Inevitable

Tomorrow I go to court for my citations. One for assualt and the other for verbal abuse in front of a child.  I am furious and resigned.  Adam raised his fist to me, said, "I want to punch you in the face" so I backhanded him in the eye.  Left a giant welp and even a small, tan bruise that lasted for a couple of days.  But I think about it and feel betrayed and tricked.  After the hit, he grabs his phone and repeats, "You're going to jail now.  Oh yeah.  Their going to get you."  So he calls and the dumbass has it all recorded on his iphone for the authorities to hear.  They gave him a citation as well and told me that no woman should be talked to that way.  They still slapped me with two charges but told me to get out of the relationship forever. 
Right now I am full of anxiety and fear.  I have to go, I know, but over what?  And do I say guilty because he set me up for that, threatened to punch me, called me horrible things that I no longer want repeated in my mind and I have to say, "guilty."  Guilty.
More than that, we had to go on a trip his mother had paid for after that. It was nice and then I got back and everything went downhill from there.  My dad and then the same old behaviors.  The same old day that comes around again and again. 
I am not dropping out of school but I have lost all determination.  I do not feel like doing the work. I don't care very much and yet, I know that to quit means more than just this one semester. It means much much more than that.  It means repeating the past and not moving on. 
I do think about dying.  I do think that things would be better for everyone but then, I am jerked awake by reality.  Like, I can't do that to the children.
.  Who would I be then?  I would be dead and even more useless.  And all those people telling me that they can do it better than me, well they can't.  I have seen it with my own eyes.  I can do it and I can be great if I try. 
I told Trulee all about how I figured out that to be anything you have to work.  It takes work work work and even as I know that's true, I don't want to work anymore.  I want to sleep all day and night and be high and numb.

4 comments:

  1. Utah Code
    Title 76 Utah Criminal Code
    Chapter 2 Principles of Criminal Responsibility
    Section 303 Entrapment.

    76-2-303. Entrapment.
    (1) It is a defense that the actor was entrapped into committing the offense. Entrapment occurs when a peace officer or a person directed by or acting in cooperation with the officer induces the commission of an offense in order to obtain evidence of the commission for prosecution by methods creating a substantial risk that the offense would be committed by one not otherwise ready to commit it. Conduct merely affording a person an opportunity to commit an offense does not constitute entrapment.

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  2. 76-5-107. Threat of violence -- Penalty.
    (1) A person commits a threat of violence if the person threatens to commit any offense involving bodily injury, death, or substantial property damage, and acts with intent to place a person in fear of imminent serious bodily injury, substantial bodily injury, or death.
    (2) A violation of this section is a class B misdemeanor.
    (3) It is not a defense under this section that the person did not attempt to or was incapable of carrying out the threat.
    (4) A threat under this section may be express or implied.

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  3. He implied bodily harm, forcing you to defend yourself against his fist and implied threat. That's entrapment, as he recorded the whole thing and forced you to commit the act.

    NOT GUILTY. A public defender will be assigned, and you will get off on that charge. DO NOT PLEA GUILTY! It will stay on your record FOREVER!!!

    I KNOW!!! I voted "no-contest to criminal mischief when I was younger, and have to put that on my job applications. No contest is the same thing as "guilty."

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  4. You are the most passionate person I know.

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