Something Simoun said..

He was right and tonight it is really getting me.  No one will ever love me like he did.  It is true.  I told Adam that if I stayed with him I would never know what's it's like to be loved again and that too is true.  I can't concentrate on everything I should be doing because this horrible night keeps turning itself over and over again in my head.  I will sleep it away I suppose. 

A little too tired to write...expect choppiness.

Despite losing my bag of gummy bears, I really had an incredible day.  I so very obviously did not get the job I wanted so badly, but I suppose there are a million more out there.  It is disappointing, though.  I did not make it to my classes today and feel actually rotten about that.  I do not feel well and Simoun was so tired I did not want to drop off Holden.  Wait a minute....the more I write, the more I believe it was not an incredible day!  But I did spend time with Adam and perhaps that's what is always incredible and leaves me in bliss though there are a million storms brewing. 
I just need to write about one thing.  Glenna.  I am scared to death.  She might have cancer and if it's not cancer, it is still something bad.  This is why I sometimes hate life and don't understand anything about it.  Death belongs to everyone and while dying cannot be easy, it is the living that must suffer the most.  I do not want her to die.  I do not want to lose that incredible woman I have known for such a brief, but unfathomably rich, time in my life.  Please, please don't die, Glenna.  What a loss for humankind!  I do not even want to think about this and will never write about it again-but just a few moments ago learned about all that is wrong with her body. 
I even think of my own mother and all that plagues her.  We live and must lose, I guess.  But if our relationships are the most pertinent things in life, why must they be so fragile? 

Too many kids

My friend is having a herpes breakout.  I feel terrible for her and want to give her something for her pain.  It is something she regrets and despises about herself.  Thank the great god above I never contracted anything.  Then again, I have been careful all my life. 
But my friend's kids are here and I want to cry.  They are lying on my bed eating cheetos.  Fucking cheetos.  Really?  And I am so irritable. 
And I am using subjunctives to begin each sentence. 
My old boss wrote me and said that he wants to meet my neighbor and screw her since I will never be intimate with him.  Nice guy.  So glad I missed that boatride. 
Anyway, that's it for today.  Just too many kids. 

Sucked in

Why do I let myself fall so wholly and fantastically? Here I am. Suffocating in a love that I have no mastery of. It swallows me. It feeds me. The desire is only partially carnal because there is something else, mysterious and sublime, that submerces me. I want to be his wife and his lover and his student and I want lie and read a book in my room while he cuts his hands up working on his cars outside. Just knowing that he is here, around me, can be enough. I want to taste everything and know everything, be everything to him for him and in him. What this is has no earthly connection.
And that's enough talking about it. He leaves me wasted.
I have had three loves in my life. The first two (and should I write their names here? Why does love want to be recognized so badly? I want to write their names and tell everyone about the ocean of secrets doomed to drown so dry and dead inside the abyss of my memories. I loved them dearly and deeply. I likely caused catastrophy in their lives. I am not sorry.) conquered the childish me. The me who was still struggling for recognition. They catapulted me into adulthood. I do think that I would be a different and more satisfied person had I never met them. One of you, you know who you are, gave me unfathomable gifts and still does. When I am around him, I feel that he knows me so completely that I need him at times to help me remember who I am. We should have run away together. We should have seized those moments and done something terrible and wicked and then come back home. We would have repaired our lives back to normal but would always have these remnants of the churdish wickedness. Why didn't we do it? Why did we let those moments pass and now it's too late and will always be too late. I am in a trench of possession. I can never go back to who I was before. Adam has consumed me.
When I lie next to Adam every sound, scent, quiver, breath seizes me and I am in profound bliss. Tonight he was sleeping and I rested my face against his neck and an attack of merciless euphoria ate me up.
I am tired and suffering. It all makes me suffer. A rabid dog. Foaming at the mouth.

I am the proverbial single mom

I am writing today, after all this time, because my life has hit new levels of lows. I have been tired lately, which is a regular thing. I have a sleeping disorder that permits me to stay awake for three, often four, days in a row with no repreive. These days are highly productive, actually. I have a cleaner house and a well run family unit. But then the next phase hits and I can't stay awake. I am driving my car and I find myself falling asleep, swerving to the side, sometimes forced to sleep for ten or so minutes just so I can safely arrive at my destination. The kids believe I love to take naps but what they don't see is that while they dream away, I am busy cleaning and writing and reading for days in a row and then biologically forced to sleep for days in a row.
This is not, however, what I want to write about. This afternoon, my telephone, television and internet went off. I couldn't believe it. I paid the bill last month but it was so far behind and although I paid $400, I still owed $200. So, to burn time and perhaps even use the phone, I went over to Glenna's house (my mother in law-though I am not married) and the cop pulls me over. I thought to myself, "you can do it, Amy. Drummel up tears." And I did. I cried like my broken sprinkler in the back yard and the cop graciously says, "We are not here to punish you or harass you. We just want you safe." My ass. Well, he didn't give me a ticket and I started driving away but the tears didn't stop. In fact, they are still coming and I know they need to come and keep coming in droves. I am almost out of gas and my car has an oil leak (kinda like that same broken sprinkler in the back). I am negative-let's just round it off-$800. I broke, I am broken and I can't fathom how to get out. When I got home today I thought to myself, "Enough is enough. I am getting a full time job along with my part time job. But then, who will take care of those babies? And how will the kids do well at school? And the house will fall to pieces and maybe we will be evicted again because I can't keep the house in order." And that is why the tears don't stop. We have been eating potatoes the last two days, rotten potatoes that Simoun gave us and they are lasting. I am in the process of making homeade bread and no I don't have a bread maker. And no, I am actually an awful cook. But yes, the bread will be eaten because otherwise they will starve.
But I have a house. It isn't mine. But we can live in it until the landlords tell us to leave. And I have that car even if it does have an oil leak and is out of gas. I own that car!
And enough of being positive because I don't really give a shit about being positive. I just want things to get better. I even thought, god forgive me, that I would surely sleep with anyone who is willing to pay my bills just for sex. Is that a dream? Do men such as that really exist? Are they clean? If they have money, they have to be somewhat clean just to keep a job, right?
Oh the lows I can go.
What has really driven me to write today, however, is that my ex-husband wants to sit down and talk to me. Apparently, Eric told him that he hasn't bathed for three weeks. It's not true, of course, and I have tried and tried to make everything right and do this all by myself, but I fail. So, Shane is coming over today to give me some lessons in parenting. I wish that lonely man who wants nothing but to pay a good sum for sex would come my way.

It can only get better from here

He moved everything out of the garage. I don't believe I am ever going to try to pick up those shattered peices again. There is something terribly wrong with him.
The blog will become better from here on out. It can't be all about him anymore! He is becoming a visible memory.

Unstable passages of time

Just a trite two hours ago I was on top of the world. Now I am feeling a little low and melancholy. He is here and I have waited for him all day, wishing for little else than his presence and then we argue. I am not even sure what we argued about and it doesn't matter. I just feel less happy than before.
But ultimately, i am not going to let the melancholy linger. I can't afford it. I need him.