Tired. I am tired.

oh readers. I cannot believe how little I knew him. I feel raped. I was raped. He lies and I have become his sad, disgraceful ex-wife. I will never again be honest or loving. He must go and go now. He is disgusting. I hate him. I hate everything about him.
I don't even know where to begin. I don't honestly know if i can write it all. It makes me sick. I couldn't sleep last night and he gave me a zanax and then as I slept he raped me, told me that I was nothing and that it is only sex and don't I like that? And he did his job and left for God knows why and where and I was too fucking tired to care anyway. I had to take a test this morning and needed my sleep, and what is he to me anyway. This morning I read his texts on his phone and the myriad lies he is telling everyone. He told this girl that he is trying to fuck that I begged for him to come back. That I told him I loved him and wanted him back. I couldn't help myself. I wrote her back. I wrote, "I have no reason to defend myself to you, but what he writes you makes me ill. Makes me want to throw up. I did not say that to him. Why would I want to stay with a man that verbally abuses me and keeps himself flattened with poverty? I am going to puke now." And when he woke up I told him I wrote his lady and corrected things. He said, "What are you doing going through my texts on my phone?" And I laughed very hard at that one. The fucker has been going through my personal things for eight years now and he has the balls to say that. I told him so and that shut him up for a good, long while.
I hate him. I HATE that man. He is saying things now to hurt children and I told him that if he ever does anything like that again, I will never let him see the children ever again. He said this right in front Holden, Eric and Mia. "Why do you protect Max so much? You don't seem to care about the other kids like that." I later told him that any father that wants to make his own son doubt his mother's love should be found dead in a rotted sewer.
I hate him.
I hate him.
And so many more things that I cannot write here right now. I feel too exhausted. I am merely trying to survive right now. He has bounced the checks for rent, neglected everything and now the landlord wants us out. I wrote her and pleaded with her. I assured her that I respect her house and will make sure the rent is paid and the house is clean but I am so tired. I can only do so much.
I asked my mother if I could come and live with her so that I can save money and get on my feet and though she didn't flat out refuse, she said she would think about it and call me back. I haven't heard from her and I know that I won't. We are unwanted, my children and I. We are alone.