Last Post

After that horrifying last post, I found this poem I wrote and while it's not very good, it was written right from the gut. 

Here is this child
No longer mine
Because he cries for daddy
and smells of sausage and cigarettes
He was 1/7th of my heart
Now he is 3/4ths. 

I want the hand of death
to walk into the tunnel together
Because HE shred my soul
this time.  Eternally. 
I no longer belong in the light
or the dark. 

And BTW-HE is not God.   Oh no.  I have no faith.  HE is adam.  Who is akin to the devil.  That I don't believe in either. 

What I Always Wanted to Hear..Until Now

Adam and I talked.  He says, "I love you more than anything.  I am so sorry."  Don't get me wrong, though, it did make me feel warm and gooey.  It's just that....I am trying to move forward with my life and that shit...that shit he did was more than a little debilitating.  Now, though, he says he wants to fix my car.  He wants to make it right.  In truth, how great would life be if he were normal and stable and good?  Life would be near perfect.  But regretably, the chances of that happening are slightly scewed. 

So, I am going to write something quite terrible and quite unspeakable.  Once I write this, I promise not to visit it again.  But, during my walk yesterday to the store (since i have no car and no food in the house) my thoughts wandered and then stayed on a certain, shameful subject.  My thoughts stayed there for so long that I bcame mortified and almost...bored. 

It is no surprise to anyone that I do not like being alive.  That I hate life.  That I find no reason, no purpose and no real happiness.  I feel that while I have too much sympathy, even empathy for others, it is indeed a rare and impossible trait in others.  When I have been at my worst and deepest desperation, no one, no one is there and no one to make me care.  I have lived through some terrible things...and not to bring back the past, but losing Max for that time was like suffering the death of my child.  The pain was excrutiating.  I remember lying on the floor at nights, unable to sleep, holding my sotmach and crying with abandon because the pain was so intense and overpowering.  I remember waking up with such terrible stabs of anxiety that I could not get out of bed for hours, if at all.  I remember wanting to die so badly and knowing that I could not take away a mother from my children.  I suffered everyday and when I would talk to people about it...they were so distant and for them the reaction was this:  you have so many.  Let this child go.  How much that hurt.  How many tears I spilt.  How I learnt that life is cruel and unfeeling.  Everyone.  Even those who alledgedly love me the most. 

I still want to die.  I still do not want to be here.  I know that i am a failure.  That although I am only 38, my skin is looser, my face is sadder and with wrinkles and other skin defects, I have no accomplishments to be proud of, I have nothing more to offer.  I know that once men fell in love with me competely and wholly and now I could win a man only by being my nice, fake self full of life (that I hate) and fun and display my sweet and explosive happiness.  If I were a man, how worthless would I be?  I have a relatively low paying job and while I have an education....it is worthless (in so many peoples lives.  It has enriched my life significantly but made me no money to speak of).  I am a failure as a mother.  My kids are fantastic but Holden should be reading by now.  Mia should be better in school.  Eric should be fostered and led into a better direction.  It's not enough what I do.  It's never enough. 

I know this is why I stay with Adam.  He doesn't love me.  He never will.  But no one does.  Kurt took me home yesterday and acted like a dick because I did not want to have sex with him.  Asshole.  I hate that.  I hate people with sex problems and I won't deal with it.  Not again. 

Adam doesn't have that problem. 

I am sad.  I hate my body.  I hate myself.  I hate and hate.  And am ready to leave this place. 

Inhale

I inhale
long and deep
Tasting every subtle sinew
Sizzling fats, veins
Snapping bursts of flames;
Panting dragon
Enter
Into my soul
Finger the delicate secrets
The sensuous arcs
and pulsing agile shadows
Expertly darting through your fingers
Like silver guppies
I pause
Implode

Exhale.

The Drugs

Kurt took me home last night and we stopped and looked at my car.  It's a goner.  Won't start.  I think Adam (and I know nothing about cars) destroyed the fuel pump by letting it run completely of out gas.  It is really hard not having a car and living all the way out in never never land.  It is really difficult to have to move and not have a car to move anything with.  I need someone to bring my dead car back to life.  Without costing me any more money.  I lack two things:  money and time.  Especially when $400 was taken out of my account and used to buy drugs (that he left in my car.  Did I write that yet?  He is desperate to get them back.  It is really disgusting). 
I am not really speaking with Adam right now and have, maybe for the first time, absolutely no desire to speak with him.  I have come to the conclusion that asshole really is a bad person!  I thought that the drugs made him bad....but I kept saying to him yesterday, "make the right decision.  Give the drugs back."  I don't tell him I know that he took them from his grandmother.  His mother made me promise not to.  But at any rate, I am going to give them back to his grandmother. 
So, if I never talk to him again, I would be fine.  Except that I have Max.  He needs his dad.  Even if his dad is a total piece of garbage. 
There are a lot of men in my life.  And I like so many of them.  I am going to start dating the ones I like again and fuck Adam (not literally).  He is nothing to me anymore but a big problem.  If he would be the good person I thought he was, it would be fine.  But it appears he's not. 

Deeeeeflation

I am feeling a little depressed today.  Maybe even a lot.  Maybe even so much that I am struggling getting through this day.  Not to mention that I don't have a car and don't know when I am going to get it back.  Adam called me trying to act nice and sweet but I told him I am not giving him back his drugs and he suddenly became a colossal ass.  He really needs to go back to jail and remain there.  I am so much happier when I don't have him around to ruin my life.  He doesn't care about my car or me or maybe even his son. 

But I have bigger fish to fry.  For this new house, the landlord wants the old landlord information.  If I give him that info, I won't get in the house. 

I MISS my crappy car.  I will not have the money to fix it either.  Kurt (as usual) is going to help me.  He is not really what you would call "car savvy" but he's smart and could probably figure something out.  Adam was meeting me downstairs during my lunch break but I stood him up and decided I would rather lie back agains the cold cement wall than go and meet him.  He was going to get my keys and work on my car.  But fuck him.  Serioulsy, Fuck.  Him. 

The Plot Thickens

He stole $380 out of my account and that's bad.  But yesterday when he was supposed to pick me up from work he never showed up.  And then he calls about an hour later and says my car is dead because it ran out of gas.  I try to find him and it takes forever because he says he is one place but he's not so I go to another and he's not there either.  And I can hear him begging money off of people on teh phone (he forgets I am on the phone when he is too high for idle telephone chat) for a drink and Max screaming his head off in the background.  So, after much confused and nonsensical telephone conversations I find him standing on a corner.  I see Max with him and as I get closer I cannot believe what I see.  Max is filthy, head to toe, not wearing any shoes.  He looked like a kid off the street.  When I get closer, I go to pick him up and his diaper has leaked right through his clothes. 
Oh but it gets better.  I am yelling at Adam,  and we walk around the corner to where my dead car is.  The side mirror is utterly destroyed.  Shattered.  And I go to start the car and there is no heartbeat, no response.  He has killed my car.  I am livid at this point and Adam says, "Fuck you bitch."  Flips me off and that's the last of it. 
So, I call Kurt and he picks me up.  He mostly hates me because I have ignored him the last few weeks and acted as though he's not really been a huge part of my life for the last two years.  But he is hard for me to be around because he loves women too much (mostly their breasts) and is also ridiculously uptight. 
While I am waiting in the food court for Kurt to show up, Max begins a heartbeaking and terrifying tantrum.  He bit me and slapped me in the eyes.  People were staring and shaking their heads.  I was very calm but after a half hour or so, I began to break down and couldn't hold the tears back any longer.  As a long time, far weathered mother, I know that kids don't act that way becuase of their age.  It's because they have no other way to express their emotion. 
In walked Kurt to my rescue much to his chagrin and my own. 
Adam's mom calls me that night and while I am not sure why at first, it soon becomes clear.  He has stolen money from her purse and muscle relaxers from his grandmother.  I tell her what he has done to me (basically making the homeless life even closer to a breathing, living reality) and all the peices come together. 
This morning Kurt takes me to my beat up car and helps me put gas in the car and I find two checks in his other grandmother's name (who is young 80 years old).  Stealing from his grandmothers!  How low can it go.  But I am sure my checks have been rigorously shuffled through as well so I have to go and close my account.  That has not nearly enough money for anything anymore. 
So thus is life.  Lesson learned?  That I am about as trusting as a baby cow.  I am sad for Adam.  Inside that man is actually a pretty good guy who is fun, ambitious and smart (sort of).  But he loves drugs more than anyone or anything and that is what fully commands every peice of him. 

He Stole My Money.

I want to say...again....but how much of a putz will I look like?  He took $280 despite knowing that I am about to be homeless and my car isn't registered and no food and blah blah blah.  I am a colossal idiot.  I need to take control of my life and stop seeing that bastard.  I even called him about it and he handed the phone over to his grandma who went on and on about how her boyfriend that died (which is very sad, of course, and I automatroned my neverending sorrys to her) so that he could get away to the bathroom and avoid my calls. 
I am stuck here at work, talking to people who are hateful and disgruntled, and I am churning inside.  I am broked and need that money so badly that it physically aches. 
I want him to change so much and he won't...he won't..he won't.  Yes, I sound like "one of those."  I have become one of those women.