Down down down

I feel terribly depressed tonight. Aside from all the absurd Adam stuff, I have issues that decide to emerge on their own time. Like the fact that I am getting so old. Old is a terrible, filthy word. There is nothing special in that word and all they say about it is absolutely correct. I am aghast at the changes. Mostly the changes in my skin. It's a freak show. I bought $40 worth of skin saving bullshit the other day and somehow justified it all to myself. But honestly, does it really do anything spectacular? Not in this world. My skin is becoming opague and thin, "crepe" and Jen would put it. Anyone ambitious enough could actually skin me and then use my skin to wrap gifts in. It's thin, wrinkled and wow...dotted.
But I have also had children and that horror show is presenting itself as well. To make it all worse, I am virtually nowhere in my life. If I had a great job or a great house or had published a novel, I would have that save my self-esteem. As it is, I am lifeless, loveless and alone.
I suppose everyone gets here and that I shouldn't be upset. No one is exempt from all the turmoil nature inflicts. I have anticipated it for years. In my mid twenties I remember thinking that I had better achieve something great before age settles in and I lose my looks. Well, here I am and have achieved so little. I was too busy finding the right relationship and didn't focus enough on myself. I will never find the right relationship at this point. Adam won't move here because he cannot accept the children. He denies that, but it is clear in his behavior.
Well, maybe I need to refocus and find myself again. Just maybe I need to do what makes me happy and stop trying to please. I can do that. I am writing here again! That is a start.