Before the Spanish Test

I have to get this out before I can study.  I just feel, and do as a general rule lately, confused and angry.  I have been through so much this last year.  In some ways things are better.  In others, it's the same long checklist that comprises my life.  Just now Adam and I got into another fight.  We suffered one last night over his inability to spend the night here.  Now he screamed at me for God only knows what.  I feel tired and sapped.  I have finals and so often my mind strays from where it should be.  I need to focus and how can I focus when all this chaos rules the events of my day. 
I no longer know what to do with my life.  It was all figured out a scant year ago.  Now I flounder in discontent.  I often have episodes of deep depression and melancholy.
I should not be with him.  I run the risk of another few years of misery. 

Let it

Let it die.  Leave it alone.  Let it go for good.  It hurts but it won't always.  I hate to think that he hurts but it's time to stop.  It is done. 
I am so sad.  I cannot do anything but remain in this sadness.  It is immovable.  Impermeable.  But it too will diminish. 
How long will it take for it to die all the way?  How long does it take?  I hope it does not take another year of my life. 

The Inevitable

Tomorrow I go to court for my citations. One for assualt and the other for verbal abuse in front of a child.  I am furious and resigned.  Adam raised his fist to me, said, "I want to punch you in the face" so I backhanded him in the eye.  Left a giant welp and even a small, tan bruise that lasted for a couple of days.  But I think about it and feel betrayed and tricked.  After the hit, he grabs his phone and repeats, "You're going to jail now.  Oh yeah.  Their going to get you."  So he calls and the dumbass has it all recorded on his iphone for the authorities to hear.  They gave him a citation as well and told me that no woman should be talked to that way.  They still slapped me with two charges but told me to get out of the relationship forever. 
Right now I am full of anxiety and fear.  I have to go, I know, but over what?  And do I say guilty because he set me up for that, threatened to punch me, called me horrible things that I no longer want repeated in my mind and I have to say, "guilty."  Guilty.
More than that, we had to go on a trip his mother had paid for after that. It was nice and then I got back and everything went downhill from there.  My dad and then the same old behaviors.  The same old day that comes around again and again. 
I am not dropping out of school but I have lost all determination.  I do not feel like doing the work. I don't care very much and yet, I know that to quit means more than just this one semester. It means much much more than that.  It means repeating the past and not moving on. 
I do think about dying.  I do think that things would be better for everyone but then, I am jerked awake by reality.  Like, I can't do that to the children.
.  Who would I be then?  I would be dead and even more useless.  And all those people telling me that they can do it better than me, well they can't.  I have seen it with my own eyes.  I can do it and I can be great if I try. 
I told Trulee all about how I figured out that to be anything you have to work.  It takes work work work and even as I know that's true, I don't want to work anymore.  I want to sleep all day and night and be high and numb.

Something Simoun said..

He was right and tonight it is really getting me.  No one will ever love me like he did.  It is true.  I told Adam that if I stayed with him I would never know what's it's like to be loved again and that too is true.  I can't concentrate on everything I should be doing because this horrible night keeps turning itself over and over again in my head.  I will sleep it away I suppose. 

A little too tired to write...expect choppiness.

Despite losing my bag of gummy bears, I really had an incredible day.  I so very obviously did not get the job I wanted so badly, but I suppose there are a million more out there.  It is disappointing, though.  I did not make it to my classes today and feel actually rotten about that.  I do not feel well and Simoun was so tired I did not want to drop off Holden.  Wait a minute....the more I write, the more I believe it was not an incredible day!  But I did spend time with Adam and perhaps that's what is always incredible and leaves me in bliss though there are a million storms brewing. 
I just need to write about one thing.  Glenna.  I am scared to death.  She might have cancer and if it's not cancer, it is still something bad.  This is why I sometimes hate life and don't understand anything about it.  Death belongs to everyone and while dying cannot be easy, it is the living that must suffer the most.  I do not want her to die.  I do not want to lose that incredible woman I have known for such a brief, but unfathomably rich, time in my life.  Please, please don't die, Glenna.  What a loss for humankind!  I do not even want to think about this and will never write about it again-but just a few moments ago learned about all that is wrong with her body. 
I even think of my own mother and all that plagues her.  We live and must lose, I guess.  But if our relationships are the most pertinent things in life, why must they be so fragile? 

Too many kids

My friend is having a herpes breakout.  I feel terrible for her and want to give her something for her pain.  It is something she regrets and despises about herself.  Thank the great god above I never contracted anything.  Then again, I have been careful all my life. 
But my friend's kids are here and I want to cry.  They are lying on my bed eating cheetos.  Fucking cheetos.  Really?  And I am so irritable. 
And I am using subjunctives to begin each sentence. 
My old boss wrote me and said that he wants to meet my neighbor and screw her since I will never be intimate with him.  Nice guy.  So glad I missed that boatride. 
Anyway, that's it for today.  Just too many kids. 

Sucked in

Why do I let myself fall so wholly and fantastically? Here I am. Suffocating in a love that I have no mastery of. It swallows me. It feeds me. The desire is only partially carnal because there is something else, mysterious and sublime, that submerces me. I want to be his wife and his lover and his student and I want lie and read a book in my room while he cuts his hands up working on his cars outside. Just knowing that he is here, around me, can be enough. I want to taste everything and know everything, be everything to him for him and in him. What this is has no earthly connection.
And that's enough talking about it. He leaves me wasted.
I have had three loves in my life. The first two (and should I write their names here? Why does love want to be recognized so badly? I want to write their names and tell everyone about the ocean of secrets doomed to drown so dry and dead inside the abyss of my memories. I loved them dearly and deeply. I likely caused catastrophy in their lives. I am not sorry.) conquered the childish me. The me who was still struggling for recognition. They catapulted me into adulthood. I do think that I would be a different and more satisfied person had I never met them. One of you, you know who you are, gave me unfathomable gifts and still does. When I am around him, I feel that he knows me so completely that I need him at times to help me remember who I am. We should have run away together. We should have seized those moments and done something terrible and wicked and then come back home. We would have repaired our lives back to normal but would always have these remnants of the churdish wickedness. Why didn't we do it? Why did we let those moments pass and now it's too late and will always be too late. I am in a trench of possession. I can never go back to who I was before. Adam has consumed me.
When I lie next to Adam every sound, scent, quiver, breath seizes me and I am in profound bliss. Tonight he was sleeping and I rested my face against his neck and an attack of merciless euphoria ate me up.
I am tired and suffering. It all makes me suffer. A rabid dog. Foaming at the mouth.