This post will, I hope, insert some sense into my actions towards Adam. Tonight I may very well be the most happy woman in the world. I am floating. It touches every nerve and every cell in my body. I love him like I have never loved any man in the world. I do not think many people experience this kind of love and while the hell is deep and critical, so is the ecstasy. It is no different from a drug and it is this feeling that makes me unable to ever leave him. I feel I know his very soul and that in it lies a part of me. I know how bad the bad gets but this is how high the high gets.
I know not many people ever feel this. I know that to others the bads are not worth it but that is because they may have never experienced such beauty from another person.
I do not hold an existential testimony that there is an afterlife or ghosts or any of that bullshit but when I am consumed with this feeling from Adam I do pray. I ask what it is I need to do to keep him and live the rest of my life with him. It may be desperation that drives me because I don't know how to stop the fights and the jealousy and the other discontents but I do so want to. I have never been one who can be quiet and take anger and grief in solitude. My voice always comes out and what a travesty. Shouldn't I just be a submissive and adorable woman? It won't happen.
I love him. I love him and want nothing else for my future. Not ever.
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