Broken in Body and Mind

And no, that does not refer to me.  It refers to Adam sitting in the chair on the porch last night, asleep (more like extremely high) and hanging like a broken branch.  He was incoherent, he was cruel and good lord, he can put it away.  Before, when he was just a regular drug addict, he would never eat.  He was walking skin and bones.  Now, he is plump.  I like it.  But it is nevertheless shocking.  To make everything worse, I put it down pretty well last night too.  I can't stop eating when it's angel hair pasta and I ate it with a shovel so my stomach hurt all night (the proverbial American life!)  Well, I couldn't sleep and he was out on the porch for hours, hanging, like a corpse.  I don't know how his body handles it.  I laid my head on his chest and listened to his heart beat and it was too hard and too fast.  It scares me. 
I went to Brooke's because Adam stomped away mad (after being on the phone with his exgirlfriend for ten minutes and I was upset) and she said something that was all too true and clear.  We were sitting on her porch and she had apparently seen him walking frantically down the sidewalk with that stupid phone in his hand.  Well, she looked over at me and said, "Amy, I want to call the police on him."  I said, "He has warrants out for his arrest and he WILL go to jail."  After I said it I thought about how nice, really, that would be.  How when he is in jail, I am mostly happy and do great things with my life.  When he is around, I suffer.  I always suffer.  He cheats.  He lies.  He uses.  He is cruel. 
Yet, I still love him.  I guess that makes me co-dependant.  As broken as he is. 
Nonetheless, I have my vices.  My own coping methods. 
I know that I will forgive him again and take him back and that I will be miserable for the whole of my life because of that decision.  It's as though...dear god...I am a fucking trainwreck.  The tracks aren't quite aligned for me.  They never have been.