Working and Writing

I am sitting here at work and to make the day go by faster, I am writing to "said person" dirty little notes.  How pathetic.  Because in truth, in physicality, I am not so alluring anymore.  I am getting too old.  And while, in most ways I am a better lover than I ever have been, I am also not as attractive anymore. 
I am doing these things because (gasp) I picked up Adam's phone and saw him texting the two main girls he is utterly unable to do without.  In response, I have done a few stupid and bad things.  Honest to God, when I saw the messages earlier I thought to myself, I don't care.  Whatever.  And then I get here and do stupid asinine things.  Like write Deric.  It will always be this way as long as I am with Adam.  I know that.  I also know that another man loves me very much and would make me very happy.  I am stupid.  Like my sister says, "of course you'll make the wrong decision."  Oh that and I'm a has-been.  With withering self esteem and social value. 
Depression is a time consuming ordeal that leads to nowhere.  But it can be productive.  On the one hand, I understand that now if I do not make anything further of my life, I am as good as dead and buried.  But again, what do I have to give?  I have great soap opera stories and disturbing drama. 
As this day drags on, I get more and more upset.  And stupid.  No better combination in the world.